Mayonnaise


 

I like mayonnaise; I like it a lot!

I like mayonnaise; I like it a lot!

I like mayonnaise;  I like it a lot!

Anorexia turned me into a big liar when it came to foods that I liked and foods that I did not like. There were many foods, and mayonnaise was one of them, that I lied about:

“I don’t like mayonnaise…yukky!”

“I hate mayo, can’t stand the texture and it makes me feel sick…”

“I can’t eat mayonnaise, it makes me nauseous.”

“Ugh! No mayo for me, I can’t stand the smell!”

And so on and so forth; you get the idea.

Mayonnaise was one of a number of foods that my eating disorder convinced me that I did not like. Cheese was another, dairy products, red meat, butter, ice-cream. In fact, pretty much any food that has fat in it and is extremely delicious was on the food fibs list.

By “not liking” mayo, I had a great excuse to not eat a large number of foods; especially at parties and social gatherings where someone would have undoubtedly brought a delicious potato or pasta salad with tuna and mayonnaise in. I also had an excuse not to eat most sandwiches. Convenient wasn’t it?

The truth is that I actually love all these foods; I was just not allowing myself to admit to that in the fear that should I do so, I would binge on them. Where did I get that idea? I got that idea because in my semi-staved state, I frequently lost control and binged on these foods!

I remember one particular binge in which, amongst other things, I consumed an entire jar of mayonnaise within about two minutes. You see, my body needed fat and calories so badly, that it would override my eating disorder at regular intervals. When this happened, my instinct took over, I would go into survival mode, and in order to survive, my body made a bee-line for the fattiest foods it could find.

Post-binge, disgusted at what I had done, I would vow to restrict, and the cycle would start all over again.

I wanted to dedicate a post to mayonnaise because I spent so long denying it. I am eating an egg-mayonnaise sandwich as I am writing this post, so I had better thank my chickens also for making this all possible. Egg mayonnaise and tuna mayonnaise sandwiches were among my favorites as a child, and I have to admit that I really did miss eating them in the eight plus years that I was sick with anorexia. I celebrate my ability to eat cheese again just about every day, and ice-cream, and butter….

In all honesty, there are very few foods that I really dislike. Buffalo mozzarella is the only one that I can think of right now; I have never seen the point in it and found it rather tasteless. Even then, there is a big difference between genuinely disliking a food, and liking it but not allowing oneself to admit to it. Like I said, anorexia turned me into a big liar.

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About Tabitha Farrar

I work as Head of Marketing for a software startup in Boulder. As a recovered Anorexia sufferer, I advocate for proper understanding of eating disorders in my spare time. On that note, I wrote a book about my own journey into eating again called Love Fat.

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