I wonder why, when it comes to mental health, people often interpret me saying “you are responsible for your actions and reactions” as “you have to do this alone?”
If I were writing about physical health, nobody would assume that by saying “you are responsible for your own physical health” I would be implying that you should perform surgery on your own arm if you break it.
Being responsible for your own recovery means that you accept that you are the primary agent in your recovery. It means that you understand yourself to be accountable for your actions (regardless of the actions of others upon you).
That’s not the same as saying only you can be involved in your recovery. Nor is it saying that doing recovery alone is somehow superior to doing it with help.
Being responsible for our own actions is one of those shitty things that happens to us when we grow up. Being an adult is full of crap like this. I’m still trying to deal with most of it — like opening bills. There is currently a pile of bills waiting to be opened on my kitchen table. I just walked past it actually. I was going to open one then I decided I absolutely must write a blog at this very moment instead. That’s me choosing to not deal with my bills. It isn’t anyone else’s fault that my bills aren’t getting opened. It is a choice I just made and it is called procrastination.
Like it or not, as an adult there are a ton of things I am responsible for. Top of the list, I am responsible for my own actions and reactions. Understanding this (I mean really understanding that I can in fact control my own reactions to things) felt at first like a judgement, and then like a blessing.
It felt like a judgement, because it is. And my defensive reaction to this judgement existed because I didn’t like to think that I was to blame for … anything. And I was. (I know lots of people dislike the word “blame.” I’m sticking to it. Sometimes I absolutely am to blame for bad things that happen to me and to other people, even if accidental or unintended. That too, is part of being human, and not being perfect shouldn’t be something that I can’t admit to.)
It is annoying as hell when someone tells you that you are responsible for your own actions and reactions. It is a shitty thing to say to someone. It implies all sorts of judgement. It implies that you are not currently acting responsibly. It implies that you are not the victim in this cruel world and that you could be taking actions to change your circumstances. It implies a lack of sympathy. It implies that you could do better, or try harder. It quite rightfully should piss you right off.
And after you are done being pissed off, you will hopefully realise that being responsible for your own actions and reactions is actually the key to everything. It is power. It means that no matter what other people do or say, you get to choose how you react. This, and learning how to do this, is a super-skill that every one of us is capable of learning.
My main aim with all this responsibility talk, is I want you to know that nobody is going to get you recovered for you. That’s just a fact. Nobody else can rewire your brain for you. Nobody else can decide to recover for you. Nobody else can stop you taking restrictive actions. Nobody else can make you take un-restrictive actions. Nobody else can stop you compulsively moving. You have to be the one that does this.
And when you understand that you will stop waiting for someone else to come along and get you recovered and you will start taking the action that you need to take. And you’ll recover because you forced yourself to follow through because you understood that was what you had to do.
I’m not telling you that you are responsible for your actions because I want you to feel blamed. I am telling you it because I want you to recover.
Part of this responsibility is knowing when and where you need to ask for help. It is about getting it done however you need to get it done — and that part is unique to you. So it is a good job that you know yourself so well, as you are the best leader for your own recovery.
So, you tell me. What do you need in terms of help in order to get you where you want to be? There is no right or wrong answer, but you do need to find what works, and it is your responsibility to do so. Which is quite right, because you are the perfect person to know the answer when it comes to what you need in order to recover.
Thank you so much for this!
I agree .
“And after you are done being pissed off, you will hopefully realise that being responsible for your own actions and reactions is actually the key to everything. It is power. It means that no matter what other people do or say, you get to choose how you react.”
If somebody says to me that if I don’t follow the dietary guidelines of Anthony William “The medical medium”, it’s my own fault if I don´t feel better, I need to leave that at him, and do what I consider is right for myself: I don´t give a shit on what that pseudo- healer says.
It wourld defenitly be my fault, if I got worse if I did a 28 day juice fast.
(I´m so fucked up with these false believes, by the way)
Do what you consider right for you … but don’t do it alone. I knew someone who decided to “recover for myself” instead of because someone else wanted it but voice of anorexia was in charge and she lied herself to death. I mean, “do what I consider is right for myself,” is right and good, so long as anorexia is not the boss-of-you (YOU gotta be the the boss of you and NOT anorexia). AN is cunning and tricky! For you to be the boss of you? be sure your actions are doing good and not worse harm! Medical help, dietitian’s meal plan, and ESPECIALLY family or supporters that care about you–an ED will boss you all over the place and tell you “that is what you want.” Don’t listen to the lying voice of anorexia. Be sure relationships are keeping you safe. Don’t lie to them. TELL. Tell them that you lie and you need their help. These are intrinsic supporters who will keep you accountable despite CUNNING, lying anorexia.
I think you’re absolutely right and this is yet another empowering blog Tabitha. Strength is another word used frequently to chastise an already tortured brain. I am strong!….Strong enough to perpetuate this vile thing. Rerouting the neural pathways is a mission requiring strength and we have shed loads of that so Satnav in hand and a powerful desire to arrive…..here goes!
Desr Tabitha
I read the whole of your book yesterday. I nod through most of it , it’s amazing how anorexia makes us all behave in very similar ways yet we are all individuals !
I have a quick question – you say ha it’s , however small , should be stopped.
Would that include what stretch which is a ritual ? And jogging if legs. Little things . Did anyone else find that after a day or two of resisting the habits and urges they think ok I’ve proved I can not do it it’s therefore not a bad ingrained ritual I’ll do it now ????
I would say, if you have an urge after few days and can’t get the idea our of your head, it might be compulsive movement. I wish you the best ✨
Maybe with having both anorexia and OCD, priority is treatment for the OCD. If you control the compulsion (resist habits) as soon as you “let go” it will come back worse than before. I read that if you STOP doing anorexia (restricting compulsion) then OCD gets worse (internal messages of guilt about things, or self-loathing, i.e. OCD). It’s as if you can’t win! Get the OCD understood first, through therapist and with psychiatrist–because maybe the anorexia is a distraction, to quiet the internal noise, while you FOCUS on restricting (instead of hearing guilty messages you are busy doing anorexia behaviours). Get rid of one, AN/OCD, and the other pops up to fill the void.
For my Recovery it was really the key, it was the turning point, when I discovered that i have the power. I am an responsible adult. Not a victim. I am not depending on therapists in particular, I am not depending on being inpatient in eating disorder hospitals, I can choose. It is an important point that you are writing about here. We are no victims. However, for me it was important to ask no longer for professional help, receiving professional help by therapist somehow….. made me feel more like a victim and less responsible. My way to recover was reading your blog, watching your videos, and I had Peer Support here in my home town. And with these resources i finally fully recovered . now, I enjoy every day of my life
…and, when you do realize, and fully believe that you can make healthy choices for yourself, for your life and thus, your future, you do recover.
I ‘grew up,’ hounded by people who dictated my moves, who watched, criticized and demoralized my being. It has taken three decades to walk away. And, be well.
But, as Tabitha rightly says, it means accepting that you aren’t perfect, in both your responses and reactions to different parts of but you can be the initiator of your recovery.
I have never felt so empowered in my entire life because every single moment of every single day, I am refusing to go back. And, it DOES become the norm.
Tabitha, you rock.
Thank you for this Tabitha, inspiring read which I’ve shared with my support network.
I feel bad at times when I bite their heads off but I know that they truly care about me and just want me to recover.
Don’t be alone in your recovery. Family and friend supporters are intrinsic motivators that will hold you accountable long-term. Professionals are extrinsic motivators–only there for the duration of your appointment or admission; a bit of theatre “to get past them,” and back to problematic lifestyle when you get home. Your family-or-friend supporter needs to hear your deepest needs and know when you lie. Tell them so you are not alone.
I just happened to find your site and I am so thankful. My daughter is 16 and going through recovery right now. She was in a residential treatment center for 70 days over the summer. She returned a few weeks ago and now it seems we’re going in the wrong direction again. This is one of the toughest things we have gone as a family. It affects everyone in the family and we sometimes feel hopeless as we just don’t know how to help her. She’s currently in a PHP treatment facility but she has started restricting food again little by little. Reading some of your articles and listening to a couple of your podcasts gives me some hope. I pray she can finally get a divorce from ED. I hate ED. Thank you.
Ana