Link to a video I made on this topic: https://youtu.be/07j4fIwjRkg
I’ve been told off in the past for being honest about the fact I recovered fully without any professional help. I’ve been told this can make people feel like they too need to try and recover without professional help. So I will preface this by reminding you that recovery isn’t a competition. You’re not “cheating” if you receive help. Recovery is not a game or an exam. This is your life. Every second that ticks by you won’t get back, so with that in mind, the best path to recovery is the one that gets you there faster. Do whatever the fuck works for you. Seriously. That’s all that matters. I have no judgement one way or the other over whether it is better to recover with professional help and/or family/friends help or neither. I don’t give a rat’s arse how you do it, I just want you to recover. Do what works.
So now we have that out the way, it is a reality that most people in recovery don’t have the option of professional help. If you live in America, money is a barrier to any sort of healthcare, physical or mental. Wherever you are in the world, there is a deficit of adequate and effective professional help. This is a problem. If you live in an area without a good, experienced eating disorder expect, you are shit out of luck. So, even if I were to believe that recovery with professional help is better than recovery without (which I don’t, necessarily, because it is highly subjective) it is a reality for many of you that you will have to do recovery without. With that in mind, I don’t think the message “you need help in order to recover,” is particularly helpful for a lot of people.
I do tend to believe that in the majority of cases, non-professional support (friends, family) is beneficial. I think it is true for most aspects of life that a friendly face and someone to confide in/problem solve with, is helpful. However, there are no blanket statements to make here either. For many people in recovery, family is not an option for support. Some of us wind up with no friends left either. Some of us just like to do things on our own because that is the way we operate.
I talk to a heck of a lot of people in recovery who are alone. I talk to many people who are surrounded by family and people who love them, yet, when it comes to their eating disorder, they feel alone. I talk to people whose family want to help but are so clueless, or fat-phobic, they just seem to make things worse. I talk to far too many people who have tried for years to use professional support and have yet to find someone who really understands eating disorders.
I talk to a lot of people who, for a variety of reasons, are going to be doing recovery alone. And yeah, of course, they are never really alone because they have the internet, and there are plenty of recovery communities on the internet doing tons of good and making people feel connected and heard. But … you can have all the people on internet right in front of you on your laptop and still feel pretty fucking alone. For some of us, virtual friends don’t lift that feeling of alone-ness enough.
Recovery alone and not by choice is a reality for many. If that is your reality, I guess that all I really want to say to you is that you can do this. It may not be your first choice to do it this way. That’s okay. You can do it anyway. I’ve known many people who didn’t want to do recovery alone do it alone and get fully recovered. It’s okay to be pissed off about it. You can sulk all you want so long as you are eating while you are sulking. But know that you can and you will get to the other side and that it will be so very worth it. You are the only person you need in order to do recovery. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t want the help of others, but it does mean that if help is not available to you — for whatever reason — you can still recover.
Recovery Alone as a Choice
There will be lots of people who are doing recovery alone who would rather not be doing it alone. They want help, but they can’t find it. Then there are some of us, who choose to do recovery alone. Yes, choose. That was me. I was surrounded by family members who would have loved to have help should I have asked. I didn’t want their help. I regret not involving my parents. But that isn’t because I think doing so would have been a better path for me. It is because I think that would have been a better path for them. Or because they would have enjoyed being allowed to help me.
You see, my recovery had to be done my way. And my way of doing things is often alone. Doing stuff I shouldn’t really do alone is a big part of my nature. I’m always being told “don’t do that on your own,” and I do it anyway. I’ll take a horse galloping on my tod. I’ve performed minor medical procedures on myself, on my own. I’ve founded businesses on my own. I’ve gone skiing some bloody mad runs on my own. This morning, I climbed on a ladder to get up onto a 30ft barn roof to fix a light, on my own. Ironically, if I plan to do something stupid with a high probability that I will hurt myself, I am much more likely to do it on my own just to avoid people telling me not to do it. That’s my nature — I’m a prat.
It is also a trend with me, that the more important something is to me, the quieter I will be about it. Major tests and exams; I’ll keep them to myself. If I’m hatching a business plan, I keep it to my chest until I’m about to launch. I don’t want opinions and I don’t want advice. I put my head down and get on with things without involving other people. I like it that way.
My recovery was important, and it was mine, and I did it the way I do a lot of things in my life: alone. I should be able to be honest about what worked for me because I believe that my readers are intelligent enough to know themselves and know what will work for them. I want people to be allowed to choose. I think that some people feel stuck because they are told they have to involve others and yet it is not working for them. I want to present another option that I believe is absolutely just as healthy and more viable for some of us. (Not all.) It’s up to you to know yourself and work out whether any of this blog applies to you or not. Sure, you could use this as an excuse not to seek the help that you know you need, but if you do, that’s on you. Don’t pretend you don’t know better because I know you do.
I can look back and say that I did my recovery my way, and that was they way I had to do it. Does that mean you should do recovery alone? No. You have to do recovery your way. It is not for me to tell you what your way is because I only have the experience of being me. And if you are the type of person who would find someone to come and hold the bottom of a 30ft ladder for you before you climb up, then that is what you should do. Just because I am heading for a Darwin award doesn’t mean you have to.
Who knows why I choose to do hard stuff alone? Who cares. I’m mostly tremendously proud of myself for making the decision to recover at all. That, by the way, is 99% of the battle.
That really is it. Once you have made the decision to recover. You can and you will. It won’t be perfect and it won’t always be fun and you will likely cry a lot regardless of how much or how little help you have.
I feel that all too often we disable people by telling them that in order to recover they need help. I’ll repeat: the only thing you need to recover is yourself and food. Other people can help and support but they can’t do it for you.
Most important part: It is your responsibility to make your recovery work. If you choose to do recovery alone it has to work. You will know within a very short space of time whether or not it is working. If it isn’t working, you have to change it. If it isn’t working, you have to ask for help. You do you so long as doing you is working. If it isn’t, you have to make a different choice. Recovery is so much more important than your pride. Every second you are not recovered is a second of your life you won’t get back. So chop chop … get on with it.
I don’t care how you get there. Just get there.
This a a good post, thanks for sharing. I know I’m so so privileged to live in a country with the best medical car for everyone, and yet I’ve had 6 years of quite bad treatment before going to a treatment center that honestly saved my life. I tried to do things my own little way for too long before really accepting all the help and I can only regret as I suffered many years more because of that. But I acknowledge that it’s really not possible for everyone and thanks to you Tabitha, everybody can have access to great guidance.
Just out of curiosity, what were the minor medical procedures you did on yourself? I’m a medic student and it seems rough ahha! Have a nice day x
“ If it isn’t working, you have to change it.“ … this is so true. And it means, you have to be honest with yourself. You have to gain weight, you have to let go… however, the same should be true for professional help providers. Unfortunately, professional therapist often act as if it was not true. People go to therapy, nothing changes, and they keep going to therapy and keep going and keep going. Myself included, I had been in inpatient treatment for years and I was so stuck. I guess therapy even make things worse. A head to Stop professional psychotherapie, I had to start to listen to people who are experts by experience and I had to start to listen to my own Intuition in order to recover. I had to let go of all the meal plans, of all the rules of how to gain weight and all this stuff I had learned during therapy. For me, recover on my own was not a choice, it was the only way to recover. I developed anorexia on my own, I had to let go on my own. It help me a lot to read your blogs, to listen to your Podcast and watch your videos. Information helped, and your positive role model helped. People like you who have recovered showed me that it was possible. but besides this resources, I had to recover on my own, elsewise I would still be stuck.
And therefore I would appreciate it so much if professional help providers who recognise that there is no success with therapie would be so brave to tell the Clients not to see them any longer. ( AND things like ONE Apple more day = no succes! So stop telling that your clients. professional psychotherapists should aim for full recovery. Tabitha shows it is possible)
Can you share examples in which way family members and/or friends would be able to help?
hi as always a great post. Totally agree. as the ED people we are, we can definitely manipulate any therapiest to believing what we say and again hiding the honest truth. My therapist didn’t even notice i became quite near death in my anorexia, just said i just didn’t notice! I am still doing it alone and it is terribly hard, so i would love to have the resources for a ED expert on hand but I dont have the finance or time to dedicate this too. I am still struggling and hoping for recovery in the near future. If i could afford a therapist i would so love to have this as a tool, but not the only tool. It is such a secretive illness that even family and friends are not fully privvy to the full degree. I think that honestly with yourself is paramount and small steps, never give up hope, i haven’t yet. Thanks to tabitha as always amazing.
Hi Tabitha, I was hoping you could answer my question!
I can’t telling I am just bored that’s why I want to eat, or if this is my body telling me I have to eat?
Also what do I do if I have responded to all my hunger and I’m literally stuffed (ie when I burp I could be a little sick) that’s how full I am yet I’m still thinking about food!!?? Like what is this!
Hope you can help please.
Many thanks,
Courtney Smith
Hey Tabitha I just had a quick question about recovery and was hoping you could answer it. I am only on my second day of my recovery process alone with no medical or professional aid but I am actually finding it very enjoyable to just eat whatever the heck my body is craving and in whatever amounts it wants until it is doesn’t desire it anymore physically and I don’t desire it anymore mentally. Is this normal to enjoy eating all the junk and everything I use to restrict??
Follow up question: I also come from a fitness background and was also concerned with the idea of protein and losing muscle during the process. For instance, going days with just craving sugar and chocolate and not getting any protein in really, could this be harmful to my body physically and how does the body know to crave protein??? Thank you so much for everything you are doing!!
Really needed this. My last time in treatment (I guess im still in it) was a bit of a disaster. I got into res and insurance forced me to leave in a week, forced me to leave php in a week and a half, and now I’m in IOP two days a week because well school is back and so is looking for a job and I just don’t have the time to sit on fucking zoom and pretend that it’s anywhere near as useful to me as in person treatment was, even if it was just for a few hours. I am exhausted from the whole experience. Of feeling abandoned by treatment, by the healthcare industry, by my therapist and nutritionist who really only seem to answer my texts after I’ve had the meltdown, by everything. I’m so exhausted of feeling like the only one who wants to even try to recover. And a lot of the time I don’t want to. My disorder is a coping mechanism. I run to that bitch because I desperately want an off button and well not eating does the trick. Being in a bigger body doesn’t help either. I know it’s trauma related too but I just so desperately want to just be cared for for a while. To let down my guard and just be told I’m allowed to eat and there’s someone outside if you have a panic attack and need to get talked down. Where I don’t have to try so hard to be the only one fighting.
I’m very much like you are. I do everything on my own. I was doubting this because… I don’t know. I felt like I would need a doctor and medical tests or something. Reality is that this all-in thing doesn’t exist in my country and I don’t feel like having to explain what I’m doing and why to a doctor.
I feel this post gave me the reassurance I needed to do this on my own. Like you gave the permission I thought I needed but really didn’t. LOL Thanks! <3
Beat thing I have read for ages. I need to recover. I don’t want help from others. I’ve tried CBT and it doesn’t work for me. I chose to become anorexic, it has to be my decision, no-one else’s, to dig myself out. I’ve let it ruin my life for too many years and need to get my life back. But only I can do that. Waiting to be ready to get others involved really is just another excuse.
My daughter has suffered going on 25 years now. She doesn’t believe that she can be helped. She refuses help. She has a Doctor, but believes he is making things worse for her. He has 30 years experience with eating disorders, there is no doubt that she isn’t telling him everything. He is meeting her where she is at in her eating disorder and that is the problem as far as I am concerned. She doesn’t talk to him about weight, how often she punches herself in the face, the black eye she gives herself, the hatred for her body. I could go on and on and on and on. This is just a very very tiny part of how sick she is. Gave up her Bachelor of Science Degree in Nursing b/c of ed. Don’t know how to help her anymore.
Marie, your daughter sounds similar to me except I am desperate to recover.Not even sure why I am replying but something is telling me to. I hope that you and she are doing better.
I definitely agree! The problem is I’m just so scared to gain more weight because I’m scared what other people with think of me and that I won’t be able to find any clothes I like. Any tips?
As someone who is recovering or at least doing their best. As I’m in a position where I’m in constant control (as i live alone like most who are looking at this .) To be honest with myself and it’s aggravating me but I’m struggling to see what is actually certain things. Making big portions because they are small and I don’t see it. The mental hunger I struggle to notice it and indecision. Which is the case for me a situation where, I know it should be challenging foods and all of them. Personally, I get stuck on which to take first to leap into kick starting eating them all. If that makes sense. Or how to bulk up my meals, because my brain is going this you can also have but also this and this and it gets overloaded and frazzled. And I shut down. If you or anyone has handled and faced this before. As I can’t ask or get others help in real life, as I am completely very limited on help and support. Personally, im looking for advice or tips on how to stop these mental walls. I’m sure this is my ED trying to mess around and stop progress. Is anyone facing this and if you see this Tabitha any advice on this? Because I’m sure this is just some paralysis on decision or something and I’m just over complicating it. Which doesn’t surprise me with how ED brains and just some anxious brains go. I’m sure it’s a very simple answer. But I rather be safe than sorry and hear if this is just me in this situation or not but also if others have faced this and how they tackled it. As we all are different. Thank you for your time!