If you can’t give yourself permission to eat, you can’t fully recover.
This is because full recovery means that you are eating without restriction. You can’t be eating without restriction if you are unable to give yourself unconditional permission to eat. Note I said unconditional. That means your ability to give yourself permission to eat is not dependent on how much exercise you did, or how little you ate for breakfast, or how much you have restricted, or anything else. Unconditional permission to eat means you can eat without having to satisfy any conditions.
While having the support of other people can be beneficial in recovery, being dependent on other people to give you permission to eat isn’t long-term sustainable. Having your food intake managed by someone else (treatment provider, or if using FBT a parent/partner/etc) can be an important and necessary step in recovery for some people. If this is the case for you I’m not saying you should be in a rush to change that. I’m just clarifying that eventually, in order to fully recover, you have to be able to give yourself permission to eat. Doesn’t have to be right now, but it needs to be on your recovery “to-do” list because It is a requirement for full recovery.
Why is permission to eat so difficult?
Permission to eat is difficult because of your fear. Your brain is afraid of weight gain, so it is going to put obstacles in place of any sort of eating that might lead to weight gain. Unrestricted eating may lead to weight gain therefore, unrestricted eating is a problem. If you can’t give yourself permission to eat you’re not going to be able to eat as much as you would if you could give yourself permission to eat. Having to have permission from somebody else in order to eat is a way that the brain puts an obstacle in front of unrestricted eating. It’s a barrier. A block. It “protects” you from eating “too much” and makes you feel safer because of that. And that safety is one of the reasons you resist giving it up. (which is something that deep down you know you could do at any time.)
You can’t possibly eat without restriction if there has to be somebody else around to tell you that it’s okay to eat. So having to ask permission from another person is a tidy way of restricting.
Like I said for some people it’s a step in their recovery that they are going to rely on another person to help them eat and that’s okay. However, no other person can possibly know exactly how much you want or need to eat. even the most connected person can’t read your mind. especially because when we are in recovery we need to eat such a large amount of food, someone who has never had an eating disorder possibly just how much we want to eat. Unrestricted eating is between you and your body.
You are the only person who can truly know what your desires are. You may not want to be truthful about them, because you are afraid of them, you still the only person who can know. Therefore, for true unrestricted eating to be able to happen permission to eat has to come from you.
Leaps, or steps, you can get there.
Full recovery is something that you want then somewhere along the line and hopefully sooner rather than later you have to be able to give yourself permission to eat. if that’s not possible for you right now and you are relying on help from somebody else then you can still take steps towards this. So for example you eat the lunch that you are given, and then you challenge yourself to ask for something in addition that you desire but are afraid to eat over and above what you already ate for lunch. This way you had your bases covered so to speak, and you were still able to independently engage in a challenge.
Remember you eating disorder brain doesn’t like the idea of you giving yourself permission to eat. If you can give yourself permission to eat then it is highly likely that you will reach an unsuppressed bodyweight … and that is scary. Well, good. Recovery is about going towards and through the things that you are afraid of, not trying to sidestep them. It is only by walking through our fears that we teach our brains not to fear them.
Oh, and quit the bollocks
Don’t play the “I don’t know how” whine.
I’ve never, ever, met a person in recovery who doesn’t know how to give themselves permission to eat. I’ve have plenty of people try and feed me that crap mind you.
It is never the case we don’t know how to give ourselves permission to eat and always the case that we are afraid of what might happen if we do. In fact, part of the thing that is so scary is that you do know that you could give yourself permission to eat easily. It’s scary just how easily you know you could eat if you were to allow yourself.
What you actually mean when you say “I don’t know how to give myself permission to eat” is:
I don’t know how to give myself permission to eat and still restrict.
I don’t know how to give myself permission to eat and still maintain a suppressed bodyweight.
I don’t know how to give myself permission to eat and still keep my eating disorder happy.
I don’t know how to give myself permission to eat and not gain weight.
So … say what you mean. Then we can tackle the root of the problem.
These are all fears you have to overcome at some point. Might as well get on with it now.
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Interesting. My son (16) is right there. We’re about 2 1/2 years since completing outpatient therapy for FBT. He’s gained about 30 lbs since then, and grown 4 inches. He’s eating everything we ask him to without too much difficulty, and has begun to serve himself for breakfast and
snacks. He’s been allowed to exercise (he was diagnosed as AN with exercise addiction) with parameters – but still finds it difficult to have an “off” day – where he doesn’t exercise. He has shared with us that he was secretly exercising above and beyond what he was “allowed” to do, and we’ve all worked together (myself, my husband, and my son) to help him avoid this. But still, it feels like we’ve come so far, and have now hit a plateau. I think it’s this. He needs to hit the psychological point where he wants to and is ready to give himself permission to eat without the conditions. The hard part, it seems, is reaching that place. Other moms keep telling me to keep feeing him more calories and it will happen. I am, and his weight is not increasing, which makes me wonder if he’s doing more exercising in secret. It’s a vicious circle.
He may not WANT to but I think you are looking for him to make connection between the need to do this in order to have the desired results that you all have been working so hard to accomplish. My experience is that if weight is stable, symptoms/urges are stronger then very likely that theres more going on i.e. more frequent or intense exercise and that is fueling the vicious cycle you describe.
Hi Tabitha,
I have been reading your blog and watching your YouTube videos. I’m trying to get on the bandwagon to actual recovery. I have been near the finish line 3 times before but my fear convinced me to go back. Some of this fear lies in the stories I’ve read about those who recovered but wound up with a binge eating disorder.
How would I know if it’s extreme hunger as described by you and the EdInstitute (nee Your EatTopia) or an actual BED?
I tell myself this is my ed fear and I should push back. I shouldn’t buy into an excuse to let myself stop recovery.
Previously, I was hospitalized 3 times before, but now I am 25 and am on my own guidance wise. I am staying with family to aid in my recovery as support but I know I am an adult and this is my responsibility.
Nutritionally, I worry if I’m taking in too much salt, not enough carbs, and etc. Im not sure what to believe.
As you have been successful in your recovery I want to follow your example. Even if that means ignoring “now I’m overweight with BED” and other such stories.
I’m sorry for the long comment. I am hoping you will have some advice for me. I dont want to drop dead from cardiac failure or something else medically related to this disorder.
Thank you for your time.
An eating disorder is not about solely the food you eat. A binge in BED isn’t just a lot of food. It’s using it as an emotional crutch, a way to numb out negative feelings, etc. It is a coping method in the same way restriction would be. My nutritionist told me that even if I eat what would be considered a “binge” if it wasn’t with the intention/ emotions of engaging in behaviors, it’s not a problem. Personally I think those “horror stories” of anorexia to BED is not due to recovery or being some anomaly to the eat what you and your body wants thing. It’s someone running to another disorder after losing the one they had. And chances are it also came along with restriction and a form of purging (exercise included) during the rehabilitation period that just pissed off the body even more. It’s a big fear of mine too, especially not being underweight or even on the slim side of normal anymore.
Hi, I never saw this. Thank you for the reply.
Same question! Please help
This came at the right time! No more excuses. I want to eat but not gain weight….there I said it and now I have to make a choice. Hope those happy healthy lifestyle angels are with me!
Gosh, this post came just in the right time! It was today afternoon I made my mom cry, because it was “too late” for me to eat my snack. It was only an hour over my normal snack time. Then she took an ice cream and I really wanted to take one too. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t give myself permission to take that f**king ice cream! I have had problems with eating my snacks for a couple of weeks. I thought that I going to talk about this with my nutritionist next week. I realised that I want HER to give me permission to eat more. Holy shit how stupid! I really have to follow my mental hunger and forget what I ate previous meals or did I exercise or not. I have to give myself the permission to eat. I want to get into unrestricted eating. Thank you Tabs! You gave me courage to get myself back to track!
I have a question for you, Tabitha. Idk if you’ll ever see this, but I can only hope. My question is how do you reach a point where you want to recover? I want to want to recover, but I don’t feel like I’m worthy of it until I “beat” my lowest weight. The problem is my lowest weight was literally dying, my heart stopped the night I was hospitalized. I actually felt fully motivated to recover and wanted to gain the weight then, but after the weight gain started I couldn’t bring myself to keep it up. I knew I needed more help and went residential, but I discharged AMA once again because I couldn’t stand my body. I don’t want to put anyone through that again, but my ED tells me because there are people who have reached a lower BMI than mine, I’m not worthy of recovering yet. I’m in a state where I’m trying to harm reduce, I’m in college and I’m ashamed to say that the only way I can make myself eat is by sending pictures of my meals to my mom. I haven’t been able to give myself permission because only part of me really wants to recover, the other part is clinging onto this idea that maybe I’ll feel worthy if I hit that low point again. How can I move past this? Your blog has helped me when I’m really struggling, and I know what I need to do I just haven’t been able to make myself do it. I don’t feel like I’m ready yet, I keep telling myself just one more hospitalization and then I’ll actually commit. Thank you again for never sugar-coating anything and telling me the things I need to hear. I hope you can do that once again <3
Hey L, I just read your note and the sentiment behind it resonated with me big time. I absolutely get what you mean. I’m just checking in to see how you’re doing? I hope you’ve been able to move forward in a positive way. This shit is really fkn hard to deal with!!!
Hi Tabitha. I’ve just started recovery (3 weeks ago), and struggling with giving myself permission whilst on a meal plan from my treatment team. I’m in intensive treatment with a rough plan – eg ‘baked good’ at 4pm etc etc, so guidelines on snacks but wondering on your opinion on eating outside of the meal plan and whether this is a good idea or not? I myself have been struggling to give myself permission to eat, particularly on days that I don’t attend the programme (currently attend 3 days a week). I of course have the inevitable fear of weight gain although I do have some weight to restore (less than a previous occasion where I’ve weight restored once before – to minimally healthy). Also managing exercise in recovery. Thank you so much!
Thank you for sharing this! I am a personal trainer and some of my clients are recovering from an eating disorder. I always spend time with them in the beginning lessons reminding them that they have to give themselves permission to eat and it will lead to major success for all of their future goals, physical and mental.
Hi Tabitha,
Your blog actually made me cry because it really hit home for me. This is something I am struggling with right now and I am doing my best to give myself permission to eat and not let my brain/eating disorder tell me crazy things. However, I must also admit that I am truly scared of gaining weight! I struggled with anorexia as a result of constant bullying and eventually got down to a two digit number. I have been in treatment a total of 7 times (both impatient and out). Although my last treatment was when I was 16, and I am now 24, I have only recently (about the last month) given myself some permission to eat the things I want. It is a constant struggle because I find that when I give myself permission to eat something after eating it I feel ashamed and regret my decision. I try to tell myself that it is okay to eat the things I want and enjoy myself, but that guilty feeling stays with me for a while. I have come a long way from where I was a few years ago, but I am scared that I will never be able to fully give myself permission to eat and/or escape my eating disorder thoughts/behaviors.