It took me about 10 years to realise that my tendency to hit the roof in rage whenever my mother offered me food was actually an expression of fear. I’m kind of embarrassed it took me that long as it seems so bloody obvious now that someone popping their head around the door and asking “Darling, would you like a sandwich?” should not provoke murderous thoughts and a tirade of insults. It dawned on me, that it was actually my anger that was inappropriate, not my mother. Who would have thought?
Once I recognised that my anger-response to being offered food was inappropriate, I was able to join the dots. Why do I split my wig when offered food? Because being offered food feels like a threat. Why does someone offering me food feel like such a threat? Because I am afraid of weight gain.
Fear of weight gain was hard for me to swallow because consciously, I didn’t fear weight gain. Consciously, I wanted to gain weight. But fear is not always conscious, and despite wanting to gain weight I could also see that my actions and behaviours were avoidant of weight gain. My reactions were certainly indicative that some part of my brain viewed weight gain as a threat. Understanding that my anger was also a symptom of fear was helpful to me.
Then I began to understand that anger was one of a spectrum of fear-responses that I frequently exhibited. And that, actually, a lot of the “weird shit” I did was actually an adaption of a fear response. My fear-response of choice would depend on what felt the most suitable in any given situation. It wouldn’t do, for example, to get angry with every person who offered me food in the way I did with my mother. No, I saved the anger for the people who loved me most. People I knew less well would get flight, freeze, or fawn.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn
All the above are sympathetic nervous system (SNS) fear responses. I had my go-tos, but they were also situation dependent. If you recognise yourself doing any of these, then you probably are dealing with a fear-response to eating food (which is really a fear of weight gain.)
Fight
Looks like this:
“Darling, would you like a slice of cake?”
“Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me. How dare you ask me that. You’re the most horrible person alive. Oh, and by the way everybody knows that cake is bad for you and will kill you. So you’re basically trying to make me eat something that will kill me and that is pure evil and you should be ashamed of yourself. Don’t even come near me with that artificial-ingredient-laden cake of death. I hate you.”
Anger is most commonly used towards people we are close enough to to be able to get away with it. So for me, my mother got the brunt of my anger fear response. I would literally see red when she offered me food. I would feel so angry I would get dizzy. Livid. And I would be vile. Then, after my mother (the threat) removed herself from my presence, I would usually calm down and feel just horrid. I would still be mad at her, but I would also feel guilty for being so terrible to her. That’s a pretty standard sympathetic to parasympathetic nervous system switch at work. Whist in the sympathetic NS (fight or flight etc) the anger felt warranted. When calmed down and in the parasympathetic NS (rest and digest) I could see my anger was an overreaction and I felt guilty about it.
Flight
Looks like this:
“Would you like a slice of cake?”
“Er, yeah, sure but, I just realised I have to go and do that thing with that person that I said I was going to do. Sorry. Got to run. Bye”
The flight response is basically running away. I would use this SNS response when around people I didn’t know so well. Acquaintances, parents of friends, work colleagues etc. I would find a reason to leave when feeling threatened with food. This would often happen at social gatherings. I’d get there, realise there was the threat of food imminent, and leave. Often the best excuse being “I don’t feel very well,” or “I have a headache.”
The flight response, for me, would come into play in situations where the social trade-off of leaving felt low. Flight was more commonly my default response to social situations that I hadn’t placed great importance on being at — drinks parties where nobody would really notice if I had left, or work dos. If for whatever reason I felt social pressure to stay, I would be more likely to use the fawn response (outlined below).
Freeze:
Looks like this:
“Would you like a slice of cake?”
” …. urm …… I …. arg. ”
Brain freeze. Feelings of overwhelm. Often happens when having to make decisions over what to eat or in supermarkets trying to decide what to buy. For me, this looked like walking into a grocery shop and walking out an hour later having bought nothing. I would feel as if my brain had short circuited. I felt utterly unable to make a decision over something as simple as what brand of bread to buy. This is often the reason people with eating disorders opt to eat the same foods day in and day out: because food-related decisions cause a SNS response when you have a fear of weight gain. Restaurant menus commonly elicit the freeze response. For many of us, this sort of silent head explosion is uncomfortable enough to make us avoid any situation where we might publically be surprised with food or have to make an on-the-spot food choice.
The freeze response makes one look and feel like a gibbering idiot.
In a social situation, this would most often look like me totally ignoring the question or pretending I had not heard it.
Fawn (aka the appease response)
Looks like this:
“Would you like a slice of cake?”
“Oh, yes, delicious, thank you, yum yum.” (Takes the cake then pretends to eat it while carefully breaking it into crumbs between fingers and dropping it onto the rug under the table and praying the dog eats it before anyone notices.)
I would do “fawn” in situations where I didn’t feel I could get out of eating, or I didn’t feel that I could get away with leaving — smaller gatherings where it would look really off if I just get up and left.
If the social pressure to eat was too great or if it would draw a lot of attention or make me stand out if I refused something, I would act very pleased to take the food then make myself as small as possible, withdraw from the conversation, and focus my energy on trying to make it look like I was complying socially by eating the food whilst somehow getting rid of it. I would often pretend to eat — fake movements of my mouth, noises of appreciation, exclaiming afterwards how yummy it had been, etc. etc.
I’m sure people noticed me doing this, but ignored it because it is awkward to ask someone “Hey, why did you pretend to eat that food when you were actually shoving it into your coat pocket?” It is not only weird to get caught doing this, it looks kind of rude. It is a form of deceit – you are pretending to eat – that catches other people off guard because they don’t understand why you would do that. I did get caught a few times and it was very embarrassing because there is no suitable excuse to make for purposefully dropping food on another person’s carpet.
Behaviours such as the above are fear responses and are indicative that you have entered your sympathetic nervous system. We only enter our SNS when our brain detects a threat. If you are doing any of the above behaviours or something similar, your brain sees food /weight gain as a threat. This is not a normal response and indicates a fear-based belief system (the belief that weight gain is a threat) that needs to be neurally rewired.
It was a real game changer for me to be able to see how my fear presented itself. It presented as anger, avoidance, running away, pretending to eat, and inability to make decisions. You can only manage and overcome fear if you can see it.
This is so very true. Oh, but please can you do a piece on why why why there’s this awful, paralysing, all-encompassing fear of weight gain in the first place? I really do think I want to gain weight. I look terrible, I feel terrible. I have done for years. But no matter what I resolve, what I say, what I promise, what I tell myself or others, I do what you describe above and freeze and eat the same restricted repertoire over and over. Yes, I’m stupid gutless scared. But why am I so afeared of putting on weight, even a few pounds, even a single pound? Why? I just don’t understand.
Same here! I think it’s a fear of change in response to being weak and sick a lot (IBS is not helping, nor is celiac disease).
Jan whatever it is I have it too! I remain maybe naively optimistic that I will break through the mindset and actually be able to just do it! The fear is exhausting and suffocates rational thought. You’re on a downward spiral and too dizzy to and scared to leap off even though you see softness and arms to catch you all the way round. We have to do trust ourselves and jump!
Wow your words are exactly how I feel.
Why do I run up and down the stairs after supper , even though I want to get to be normal and healthy , but am just fearful and am convinced it won’t do harm , but do it in order to be able to have a bowl of cereal for my snack before bed , and then feel guilty about excericsing so eating lots more, then going to bed going Ong why did I exercise I want to get better – on tomorrow you’re not going to that !
Madness
http://www.adaptedtofamine.com/blog/ – this is the migratory hypothesis for Anorexia that Tabitha Farrar supports. She also did a podcast episode on it a while back…
Will do but it isn’t a short answer so looks like I am writing another book!
Thank you!
Yes we would like to read many more books by Tabitha
Read about migration theory she explains in many articles. It will make it clear
Wow! Yes. Takes a lot of time to pass to appreciate our reactions’ true roots. I am only half way there as I recognize the core issue as fear of weight gain but I still feel stressed and angry that someone else is “interfering” in my recovery and/or choices. Working on it!!
Can you right a follow-up post on this? Lately I really struggle with identifying these responses (mostly anger and total freeze and indecision) and especially the indecision makes me go so crazy I just can’t do anything but cry and scream, but I still can’t figure out how to overcome this. I tried the breathing to activate the parasympathic system, but thats not strong enough to overcome it. Everytime I tend to overcome it, it last a second or maybe a minute before falling back inbthe trap…
This was a great read and true for so many people. I think we all know we’re doing it and know it’s wrong but yet even rationalising with yourself that you know it’s wrong doesn’t stop it from happening. I was wondering if anyone else suffers from horrendous racing thoughts? Mine usually stem from trying to push myself in to eating foods I haven’t had for years. I want everything but because I can’t choose end up eating the same thing. It’s like all or nothing!! I know it’s biological (to want everything after restricting) and fear based but it’s debilitating. My mantra is that no food is the wrong choice, all food is good & no food is “perfect” or will be like angels singing but yet I still get so wound up thinking about the unlimited choices.
I am certainly the latter group! As inpatient treatment I always tried to be “a good patient” and hide the food. I didn’t want to get feedback about not eating. Instead I tried to show how good girl I was eating it all. Every time I did it, also at home. Mom could find all from bread to potatoes all over the house and my clothes! How embarrassing. And all these years I was just scared of weight gain. Scared that I did something wrong if not hide the food and pretended I ate it. The fear is still present. Stupid fear that makes no sense! I want to gain weight, I want to eat unrestricted, but still I am stuck with standing and counting calories. Glad to see that I am not alone! <3
It is so weird to read exactly what I have been doing for 45+ years. Everything written is spot on in my experience with this horrid disease. I know exactly why I am afraid to gain weight because I am still that 6,7, 8 year old girl who is getting made fun of in class by not only my classmates but also the teacher, my best friend’s mother, and a host of other adults trying to say that they are only telling me I am too fat for my own good. It seems crazy that at almost 56 those things still are in my mind….never good enough…striving to find perfection. I am working at getting better but working in my mind and actually doing is not really getting better. I know it but still have not committed. Keep on writing, I’ll keep on reading and I know it will click…I know I can do this..be all in. Hopefully sooner than later.
It actually gets easier as you eat and gain weight. At first it’s horrifying, but if you can just expect that and try to focus on something else, in time it doesn’t feel so bad. There are always moments, but not thinking about food all the time and waking up to life is so good.
Just Thank you for all you do xxxx
Thank you <3
Alas…employed the ‘four F’s’ to varied ‘audiences’ over the years. Thanks so much for describing these fear responses so concretely and concisely! …Question: Would you please address the use (and mis-use) of alcohol in breaking down the fear responses to weight gain and approaching former and current ‘fear foods’ ? This can be…and has been such a slippery slope….’anaesthetising’ fear of (weight gain/food) with alcohol? Brilliance as per usual, this post. Keep exposing the light on the true meaning of eating disorders and recovery from them.
So wonderful to read all the responses to my original comment, and Tabitha saying she is actually writing something on this sounds like manna from heaven. I get the Migration Theory explanation, but it’s still only an explanation that doesn’t really help us address the real living issue of it in the moment. Socially, I am the very opposite of fat phobic…for everyone else except from me, of course. When it comes to myself, just the thought of gaining the slightest amount feels like a loss, the beginning if the end, a failure. But still I want to be well, “normal” and to get to my body’s happy weight, whatever that is. Oh, I can not only quite glibly believe six impossible things before breakfast (which I don’t eat, obviously), but I also have no trouble whatsoever in believing every single conflicting one of them all at the same time. And then, as MJ23 says, there’s the overwhelm of choice. And the fact that I can restrict like crazy and then have a huge once a day gloriously rewarding and luscious splurge and still be under the calories I need for the day. I’be got it made! So why am I as miserable as sin and at 64 next week have wasted/trashed 52 years of my life in anorexia and its endless aftermath? If anyone is reading this, please, please, take me as a warning. And thank you from the bottom kf my heart, Tabitha. Without you I think I would have given up.
Same here….always stomach issues…or I already ate…..
Somewhat related to this, I have been married for 20 years to a wonderful man who adores me, and I him. Yet when I am in the midst of a relapse or on a downhill decent, I immediately start to find my husband annoying and wonder what life would be like if we separated or if I started seeing someone else. That’s such an awful thing to think about someone who means so much to me! When I am doing well, eating disorder-wise, these thoughts never cross my mind and I am so happy and content. It’s weird.
I do the exact same thing! Married for 12 yrs, four wonderful kids together, compatible and happy when I’m well and then I relapse, and suddenly the life I was so happy with seems like the worst. I start to get annoyed with my favourite person for nothing. Kind of like an annoyance you can’t quite put your finger on. And when I’m not annoyed I’m just disconnected from him. It’s horrible. I have a feeling it’s my brain kind of passing the blame for feeling so lost and sad onto something else other than the ED
hi