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1.unwilling to work or use energy.
This year, “unwilling to work or use energy,” sounds about right when it comes to writing, reading, accounting, or anything related to my computer. It’s been the most unproductive year I’ve had in many. Generally I am not a particularly lazy person when it comes to things like writing. I like to write, so it doesn’t feel like a chore. This year all I want to do when I sit at my desk is look at whatever the latest catastrophe is. Covid numbers. Election numbers. Fire acres. If there is no election or covid or fire I just look at horses.
I am a lazy person when it comes to chores. I haven’t made my bed in years. I actually can’t remember if I ever made my bed other than in Pony Club Camp where every morning you are inspected and your bed and your horse’s bed are awarded points (or not). Luckily for my horses, I always make their beds. I also clean my tack daily, which is more than can be said for my dishes. I guess that when it comes to chores we all find energy to do the things that feel important to us, and are lazy about the things that don’t.
What is missing this year, is my creative mojo. I’m usually chomping at the bit to blog because that is my creative outlet. Not this year. My brain feels fried with all the 2020 madness and I have found it incredibly difficult to concentrate on anything very meaningful.
And … I am 100% okay with this. Long may it continue. Because while I’ve been lapse on the blogging in 2020, I’ve had so many great cuddles on the soda with my cats and husband whilst watching such meaningless TV that I probably can’t even tell you the name of a single Netflix series of the many we have consumed. I’ve sat outside and watched hundreds of sunsets with my dogs. I’ve sat on hay bales and stared into the distance with chickens squabbling at my feet. I’ve laid on the grass and stared at the sky. Sometimes I sit on the doorstep and look at nothing in particular because I can’t even be bothered to get up and move 2ft in order to give myself a view of the mountains. That’s how lazy I feel sometimes. I’m so okay with it. I enjoy it.
When I had anorexia my version of lazy was to allow someone else to empty the dishwasher rather than aggressively guarding it so that I would be the first to do it when it finished it’s cycle. My version of lazy would be to be working away at something on my computer while “watching” a film with someone. (Because believe me, it was rare to even allow myself to watch a film while working rather than just be 100% working.) My version of lazy would be to still go and do my workout at the gym but allow myself to park in the gym parking lot rather than the 1/2 mile away that I usually did. I was basically never actually lazy. I would not allow that because the feelings of guilt and shame and anxiety that accompanied me being anything less than as productive as possible were simply not worth it. I would rather drag my exhausted body through the daily slog of manic productiveness than deal with the mental repercussions associated with any sort of deviation.
I would see people lying in the sun reading a book on the University Campus lawn and be both immensely jealous that they could do that and terrified at the very thought of allowing myself to do that. To be unproductive, willingly and purposefully so, felt … sinful, wrong.
When I look at that now, with my recovered brain, it feels alien. In so many ways, my brain simply doesn’t function the same way recovered as it did when I was in energy deficit. From an evolutionary/famine response perspective, this makes sense. When we consistently eat less food than we need, we present our brain with a perspective of resource scarcity. When the brain believes that resources are scarce (due to energy deficit and the survival part of the brain concluding that not enough food coming in equals an environment of resource scarcity) it needs to motivate you to be as productive as possible. In times when resources were scare, only the most productive of humans would have survived. I believe that the fear of being lazy … fear of being unproductive … that many people with eating disorders develop is an evolutionary remnant associated with what it takes to survive through times of resource scarcity.
My fear of being lazy wasn’t limited to being physically active. While my movement compulsion was the most obvious and observable problem, it didn’t end there. My brain would use the emotions of guilt, shame, and anxiety to motivate me to be as productive as possible at all times. If was wasn’t working out, I was studying. If I wasn’t studying, I was running food in a pub job. I was basically the most boring person at university because I felt anxious at the idea of spending any of my waking hours doing anything other than earning money, working out in the gym, or studying.
Eating disorders and energy deficit bring about so much more than just food restriction and a proclivity to move a lot. The scarcity mindset that I have described so often and in detail in Rehabilitate, Rewire, Recover! is so much more than that. And when you look at the similarities between people who restrict food (hoarding, stealing (for some of us), anxiety around spending money, hyper-focus on being productive, dislike of rest or leisure time, tendency to always delay gratification, workaholic personalities …) it becomes so bloody obvious that are brains are conducting us to behave in a manner that would be beneficial to us if we were living in an environment of resource scarcity.
Being hyper-productive isn’t long-term healthy. Rest and recuperation is important for optimal functioning. If your brain believes you are living in an apocalypse, it will prioritize productivity over rest because desperate times call for desperate measures. But a brain that is not living in an apocalypse doesn’t act like that because rest is actually a very productive state in which our brains and bodies can repair and prepare. A brain living in resource abundance has the privilege of being able to balance productivity and rest times. Hence, hyper-productivity is a symptom of a brain that feels insecure. I wish our culture would stop glamorizing what is basically an insecure state of being.
I didn’t ever think I would change. I thought that was me. I thought it was my personality. Turns out, all I had to do was eat without restriction — and in doing so present my brain with an environment of resource abundance — and my “personality” changed to be that of a chill person who likes nothing better than to share a pizza with friends and wasting time shooting the breeze. I really, really, enjoy that I can choose be lazy. It’s one of my favorite gifts of recovery.
i actually think your being too hard on yourself by categorising yourself as being lazy. different times have different priorities and often our priority is to take care of yourself so you can revive and then rise higher. you are real youre not lazy lol
Tabitha I just want to be like you ! Please can you tell me , I’ve just read your book this morning – agreeing. And understanding all. Yet I then go on a compulsive 10 minute dog walk. I also get so anxious after sitting, I always like to be doing chores etc. It’s underlying movement and it might be small – sitting jogging my legs – but I’m scared. What would happen if I stopped everything ? When you say go cold turkey , do you mean even little things like the way one drys themselves after a shower for goodness sake haha!
Surely I can’t put myself on couch rest? Should I walk?
Hi there, I hope it’s okay to respond as I am not Tabitha, but I just wanted to say that yes, go cold turkey – stop doing these things like compulsive movement and always tackling chores. The anxiety and discomfort you feel will be high and uncomfortable at first, but you have to stick with it. If you keep resisting these urges, and do so without compensation, the feeling that it’s impossible to sit quiet and feel calmer will subside. I say this from personal experience because my OCD was very terrible years ago – to the point where I’d be frozen for 45 minutes in fear until I could get my thoughts “just right” and among other things, could not go a day without exercise. It took some time to believe that doing exactly what I was afraid of and thought I couldn’t bear was exactly what I needed to do. I remember feeling that what I was doing would never work and I’d never get out of this vicious cycle. But it actually did, and I know so many others who would agree. I wish you the best – right now do what makes you uncomfortable so that in the long run you will be able to feel some sort of peace again and enjoy these things in life, not feeling compelled to do them, but doing them because you truly want to.
I need your words in my ears 24/7! Okay I’ll keep trying. It’s a terrifying thought though but when I find that I feel excited rather than terrified then I’ll know I’m winning!
Tabitha, I am so grateful for your thoughts and the story of your journey (continuing). It has helped me understand ED behaviour in a way that is practical, gives hope and embraces all of us who know and love someone with an ED. Much appreciated.
How did you START? All of this is so painfully accurate. But I cant even just sit and rest or relax for one moment. I am constantly worried about not being with food, but simultaneously dont let myself ever eat enough. Help.
Love it. Thanks Tabs. I am 3 months into my recovery and ALL those things I suffered from . Busy busy busy, stress stress stress, fear fear fear EQUALED Starving, Lonely and frozen.
Now I’m starting to feel strong. No not from stupid exercise, but from letting my muscles rest.
My body is telling me how to move and when. Moving my finger to change channels on my remote is usually what it’s tells me. I LOVE your celebration of lazy. To a person recovering from 30 years of restrictive eating disorder it’s music to my fears. My brain I think is starting to “advocate” for my new emerging self. The job I’ve hated for years I now am in discussions with to change my role . I don’t want to work myself into dust. I have a way to go still but I am now starting to eat differently to the first 5 weeks.
I ate a sandwich today I was terrified off for many years . Delicious, simple and cheap. Ironically because I have no rules about what I eat I’m not spending time amd $ finding authored food.
I love my days doing naps and living in a bit of a mess. I clean on Saturday . Once a week not every day.
Thanks tabatha !
you haven’t blogged in a while, and i hope you’re well! i just found your blog and i love your non-sappy, non-bullshit kind of writing. i hope you continue blogging at some point, and i hope you’re taking care of yourself. <3
I just stumbled across you and have ordered your book
I am in a slippery slope of 5 years in recovery after37 years if an Ed and falling fast!! I have learned how to be lazy and now feel so guilty for being so
I don’t want to sprout or function for that matter all I think about is foiod and exercise and why I can’t get over them!! I do suffer from depression and when I cst get out of bed I feel extremely guilty and ashamed . So nice to read your blog on this any words of wisdom?
I like that you use the word lazy positively since it is normally viewed as something bad. Some people judge others as lazy because the “lazy one” doesn’t do what the judgmental person wants them to do. Then the “lazy person” may think there is something wrong with him/her and that is exactly what the judgmental person hope he/she will think so he/she does as she/he is told by the judgmental person. People who take things personally don’t see that they are being manipulated. I see laziness as lack of motivation. It is not possible to be totally inactive. The mind and body is working all the time. As long as there is life there is some kind of engagement and activity. When I think about words like lazy and impatience I associate it with contempt so I wish the words was changed to lack of motivation and lack of patience instead, but after you wrote this I am no longer sure I still mean that. There is nothing wrong with words. It is the contempt and judgmental attitude that is wrong. When I have been called lazy it is after saying no to do something for a person who doesn’t want to do it himself. Ha ha
I very much relate to this post! After recovering from anorexia I found that many of my perfectionistic tendencies decreased =)