These recovery commitments posts are outlining some of the most common reasons that people in recovery get anxious and stressed and suggesting some simplifications for those moments.
I believe that one of the fundamental reasons that we feel stressed in recovery is because we forget that we are meant to be pissing our eating disorder brain off! I will be looking at ways to help you keep your focus when your eating disorder is screaming at you.
One of the primary commitments is committing to not suppressing your natural bodyweight. For many of us, this requires a commitment to weight gain.
I’l repeat that, a commitment to weight gain.
This commitment will filter down into all your actions and choices, so it’s kinda important.
If you want recovery, but don’t want to gain weight … well, that’s why you haven’t recovered yet. Full recovery isn’t a magic trick, you have to eat your way there! I know that for me, for many years I was “trying” to gain weight without ever actually being fully committed to weight gain. When I was committed to weight gain, and committed to eating as if I were trying to gain weight, then I gained weight.
For example. In the years I was “trying” to gain weight:
- I was still exercising. Exercising and purposefully burning calories via movement directly conflicts with a goal of weight gain.
- I was still eating a lot of salad and low-nutrientdensity foods. I have nothing personal against salad, but that is not a choice of food that a person committed to weight gain would eat.
- I was still eating as if I were on a diet. This is the really crazy part. I was still eating diet foods, small portions, and going long periods of time without eating.
As you can see, if a person is truly committed to weight gain, none of the above things should be happening. So when I finally did commit to weight gain, the following happened:
- I completely stopped all exercise and superfluous movement.
- I only allowed myself to eat nutrient dense foods.
- I ate whenever it was possible for me to eat.
Most of all, I consistently ate as if my mission in life was to gain weight. That meant that my food choices were very different. I saw every bite an an opportunity to get as many calories into myself as possible. I ate like I meant it because I had committed to doing so. And it worked. I gained weight. Who would have thought!
Oh, and here is something important: If you are not “underweight” by the doctors chart, you are still underweight if you are using exercise and food restriction to control your bodyweight.
Committing to weight gain reduces anxiety
Committing to gaining weight made what I was doing a lot less anxiety provoking. Most of my inner conflicts and dilemmas came from that illogical fear of weight gain. Once I was committed, I could answer those fear thoughts of gaining weight with “that’s the whole point!” This rendered them much less significant. I was saying “bring it on” to the thing that my brain was trying to scare me with.
Decisions became much simpler. Previously when choosing what to eat I would get stuck between wanting to challenge myself by eating more and the fear of making that change. The fear of weight gain. I was trying to do the impossible and do recovery without pissing my anorexia brain off. That’s an incredibly stressful decision making process around every food choice because one can’t win. You can’t have both. You can’t have recovery and not piss anorexia off.
When I committed, there was only one right answer to any food decision and that was “as much as possible.” The most nutrient dense foods in the biggest quantity I could eat. Simple. No dilemma. Of course my anorexia brain screamed at me, but it was screaming at me mostly with fear of weight gain, so again I would answer “that’s the point.”
It was wonderful to lose all that to-ing and fro-ing in my head. Should I or shouldn’t I? Can I or can’t I? Everything became much clearer and simpler once I was all-in and facing in the right direction with my bodyweight goals. I’m not saying I didn’t have doubts because they were there constantly, but once I am committed to something I am committed, and that took me all the way to fully establishing a nutritionally rehabilitated body.
Weight gain is the goal
It turns out that after years of “tying to gain” weight, when I committed to gaining weight I did just that very successfully.
So anyone who is trying to gain weight without success, from someone who has been there, I call you on your bullshit. If you were trying to gain weight you would do. I can promise you that if you truly eat enough food and rest, you can and will gain weight.
So if you aren’t gaining weight, ask yourself “why this is?” Look at the way you are eating and ask yourself if your commitment to weight gain is showing in the way that you eat or not. Look at your activities and your choices, and ask yourself if you commitment to weight gain is reflected in those. Then, with that information, make the changes that you need to make. Let go of the excuses and the imaginary obstacles and start eating like you mean it.
Above all else, check yourself. If you are eating a low-fat yoghurt that isn’t good enough. That doesn’t reflect a commitment to weight gain. Eat ice cream instead. If you are eating one scoop of ice cream that isn’t good enough either. Don’t sell yourself short. You can do this. You want to get better, now start acting like you want to gain weight.
I’m really loving these recovery commitments posts. I absolutely can relate to forgetting that the goal is not to avoid anxiety, but to annihilate the eating disorder, and my actions tend to reflect that. So it probably comes as no surprise that I’ve been “trying” to gain weight for a while, too. Guilty on all counts. This post really helps by calling me on my bullshit. I’m bookmarking it for frequent reminders, because when that anxiety raises its head, it’s easy for everything to just fly out the window. That’s probably another thing that committing to weight gain helps with — you don’t have to remember anything except your one commitment: to gain weight. Well then, let’s do this. I’m ready to eat like I mean it.
You got this! I’m in the same boat as you. You’re never alone. <3
I’m loving these recovery commitment posts! I can completely relate to the habit of forgetting that the goal isn’t to avoid anxiety, but to annihilate the eating disorder. And my behaviors tend to reflect that. So naturally, I’ve been “trying” to gain weight for a while as well. I’m bookmarking this post to remind myself, because it’s easy to forget when the anxiety is screaming in your face. Hopefully committing to weight gain will help with that forgetting too — now the only thing I’ll have to remember is my commitment! Let’s do this. I’m ready to eat like I mean it!
I really need help I’m scared to stop exercising I eat unrestricted but still exercise I’m scared to stop should I just say fuck it and stop plzz help:(?
but how to start really want to gain? 🙁 i really want to recover but as much i really want to be thin
This is exactly what i feel…how can i come to a point where i want to gain weight? I want to recover soooo badly, but gain weight?? I Know when i would want it i could, it is actually easy…but i am so scared of the number on the scale…i am always afraid to gain weight to fast…i wish i could do the committment!
It took me 12 months of out patient treatment to finally throw out skinny jeans and move to draw string flowy pants and dresses. Next struggle. My addiction. The scale. Get rid of it. And stop weighing yourself. First ten pounds was scary and I was very tired. Had to rest after meals. Hot water bottle on tummy helps and elevate legs to prevent ankle swelling. I feel so much better and now working on the next hurdle. Don’t be scared as your body knows what to do with the food. It eventually settles in other areas of the body. Brain fog less and I have energy to do other things that I value. It really does get better. Frequent meals and two snacks and Gut Will work itself out. Feels great to be regular for once in many years. Most importantly don’t give up as it takes time and you will have good days and sluggish ones. That is the journey To recovery ❤️🩹. You can do this. SAY YES to your cravings even if small amounts to start. Enjoy the journey. You will feel empowered.
I love your comment! Thank you for your advice and encouragement! I know there is something amazing on the other side of the fear. I just have to continue to plow through the physical discomfort that seems monumental in the moment but so worth it in the long run. I’ve come so far but have quite a ways yet to go. Please pray for me.
I am scared. The idea of giving up anorexia in principle is a no brainer. I think I want it more than anything in the world, but when it comes down to it, I know that I have been pussy-footing around the actual issue, my absolute terror at gaining weight. I have been given so many opportunities and right now cannot afford to go into hospital again. I really want to do it, but even reading your blog, and knowing that it is describing my actions to a T, eating more, gaining weight and going against my anorexic thoughts makes me feel sick to the stomach. How to I overcome this and make myself change. I am such a determined person that when I put my mind to something I know I will do it, but this is my one true failure. I don’t want to be fat, I want to be healthy. How do I do this? Please help 🙁
I totally agree with needing to commit to unrestricted eating, but I ask the same question, how do you come to that point of commitment? How do you get the ball rolling. I started to eat a little more, less rigidly, less strict rules and eating other kinds of foods,although also eating safe foods, and gained a few pounds, freaked and took 10 steps backwards. As you say, this is not completely committing. I cant get past the fear. I think really understanding why I am staying in this eating disorder is key as well. What purpose is it serving. Am I getting attention that I want, good or bad? Does it make me feel good about myself? Does it give me a feeling of numbness,avoiding life stresses. Control? That I have achieved weight loss that is difficult for most people? I do believe it is partly a habit that needs to be broken. I, am a very determined person, but I haven’t been able to get over this relapse. I am terrified of gaining weight and not being able to stop and it turning into binging or bulimia. I don’t trust that my body will regulate self regulate to its set point. It really, really SUCKS and extremely frustrating.
Here is another person with fear of gaining weight but still want to recover. 🙁 But unnecessary to say that full recovery is not possible if I am underweight. I have noticed that I need someone to tell me what to do, doctor or nurse or nutritionist. I cannot trust myself to give myself a permission to eat and rest and finally gain. This is pretty bad situation as an adult with anorexia. XD No one says to an adult to to do things. I am desperately seeking help and tips how to rally start recovery. I am so pissed off with this illness after 14 years! I am so tired for all this shit, but still, it is so terrifying to let go my old life and start a new one in recovery process. How have you started? What was the first action? I know that I have to trust the process, and it is easier if I take a first step. It is the most difficult step because I have to take it on my own.
The thing that helped me is just doing it. No what ifs, no “I’m going to try to trust the process”, or “I’m going to try to recover”, or what I told myself everyday: “I really really want to recover but I just can’t”. Bullshit. I was just prolonging the stay into my illness. I hate to be so blunt, but I think it is important to be serious – if you are not recovering, you are dying. You will have to recover if you ever want to really start living. If you really want to recover like you say you do, you will stop right now and eat that burger (or cheesecake, box of donuts, or whatever you have been restricting, because I know it’s always on the back of your mind).
Another thing that helped was realizing that it didn’t have to be hard. Sure, there are certain factors in our culture that villainize eating, but food should not be the center of your life. And I know it is the center of your life right now, and everything you do seems to revolve around food and exercise, and it seems like you’ll be trapped in this loop for the rest of your life, but you have the choice to get out. Saying that you don’t is bullshit. Don’t lie to yourself. IF you are honest to yourself (your true self, no ED involved), what is so terrifying of letting go of your old life? Of a disease that has stripped 14 years of your life? Don’t refute with something that comes from the ED.
Sorry if I went off on a tangent. My main point – you will never think you’ll be ready. Your ED will always push real life and joy back (“I’ll start recovery tomorrow”, “Next year will be the year I recover”). The first action you can take right now, and you must take this action, is eating your restricted food. You’re probably going to have a lot of ED thoughts when you do this, but you cannot listen to them. You cannot move compulsively afterwards. Your actions guide your thoughts. You may only be ready to start recovery once you are already 3 months in the process. Keep acting, and your thoughts will catch up.
*Also, I agree that you have to give yourself permission, but you don’t have to take your step on your own. EDs often cause people to isolate themselves, but I’m confident that there is at least one person you can reach out to who can support you and keep you accountable.
Thanks Tabatha. I am saying yes to food and have reduced exericise in half.