I know your truth. Your truth is that you are tired and hungry — no, exhausted and starving — and all you really want to do is sit on the coach and eat mountains of food. I also know that this truth frightens you. So you are trying hard to ignore and reject it
You don’t admit the truth because it scares the crap out of you. You don’t admit it to yourself. You certainly don’t admit it to anyone close to you in case they would try and hold you to it — eating and resting that is.
Here’s the thing: truth is truth. It doesn’t matter how much you deny that truth. It is still true. It is not going away just because you don’t like it. No matter how hard you don’t want it, it is there. And your ability to be truthful, and act truthfully will be key to your recovery.
Here are some lies I used to tell myself, that I am pretty sure you tell yourself:
“I’m not hungry” LIE
“I don’t like the taste of meat” LIE
“I’m not really into sweet foods” LIE
“I feel like I want to go for a run” LIE
Lies. All lies I used to tell. I never felt like going for a run. I was compelled to. That’s not the same thing. I do like the taste of meat. I do like sweet foods. I was always hungry. The problem was that these truths were covered in fear. They were distorted by that fear.
Another complication, was judgement. Not my judgement. The judgement that developed within me as a result of anorexia. I judged food. I judged rest. And this judgement was what was used to justify the fear.
“I’m not really into sweet foods,” for example, was a result of the judgement that sweet foods are bad. Judgement isn’t truth.
Separating truth from fear
“I’m not hungry” should have been, “I am hungry, but I am scared to eat. “
So, let’s separate truth from fear, “I am hungry,
but I am scared to eat.”
Now we have truth: I am hungry
Okay, now we are getting somewhere. Once I was able to see the truth without the fear, I was able to understand my truth better, and act on it. A good practice once you have the ability to slow down and see your own thoughts (meditation can help with that) is separating truth from fear, and then challenging yourself to act on the truth rather than act on the fear.
Separating truth from judgement
The ability to do this was key for me in recovery.
So imagine I wake up and I want to eat some chocolate bars. The fact that I want chocolate bars is the truth.
This is the judgement:
Nobody eats chocolate first thing in the morning
Too much sugar and fat
Not a balanced start to the day
Judgement. Judgement. Judgement. Judgement is not my truth. Judgement doesn’t make my truth any less true. And my truth is that I want chocolate.
So, another key aspect to rewiring in recovery, is the ability to separate truth from judgement, and not act on judgement, only act on truth. in this case, the only correct course of action would be to eat the chocolate bars.
Can you go forward acting only in truth?