“Eating disorders kill.” You’ve heard it said plenty of times. If you’ve been in the recovery community for long, you probably know someone who died as the result of an eating disorder. It is not that you don’t know this shit. You’re not stupid either — I never met a person with an eating disorder who wasn’t bloody smart.
Yet you still restrict. Don’t you?
Maybe you don’t restrict as much, and that’s the bullshit you use to justify your restriction. Maybe you don’t exercise as much. Maybe it is walking now, where as before it was running, so you tell yourself it’s not a problem. Maybe you eat a little more for lunch these days, and that allows you to kid yourself you are doing okay. Maybe you ate pizza last Friday, and your therapist said that was a good enough achievement for this week, so you’re good.
Bollocks. Utter bollocks.
People with eating disorders are intelligent, but all of us swallow our own bullshit far too well. And this, is what kills. We lull ourselves into believing our own crap about how much better we are doing. Treatment providers do it with us too, because they’ve been taught we are fragile little flowers who will wilt if not praised abundantly for every extra calorie we eat. They cheer and clap and tell you how well you are doing because you finished your sandwich at lunchtime rather than saying “Great … eat another one.”
Why and when did people become so afraid of telling the truth in case it upsets someone? I want you to be upset. I want you to understand that one sandwich is doing to do shit. I want you to know you’re pissing around with your life. I want you to know that this is real and you won’t get a second chance and that neither of us know how much longer your body can keep functioning with you under eating.
I’ve known too many people die to pretend that you eating a slice of pizza is an achievement, when we both know that your body asked you to eat the whole thing.
You’re not a fragile little flower. You’re not unaware that you want to and should eat more. You just think you’ll get away with it. You think you are getting away with it. People praising you because you ate half a bagel rather than scolding you for not eating ten of them doesn’t help with that, because that reinforces that it’s okay to under-eat — which is what you are still doing.
You’re not getting away with shit. You’re dying. And I’m so not afraid to tell you that. Have a tantrum. Write me an email saying I’m mean and that I don’t understand how hard you are trying and it’s not fair. Never read my blog again. I don’t care. I’m not going to tell you that you are doing great when I know that you are dying. And if you end up being another person who dies from an eating disorder, I won’t have been one of the people who told you that you were doing great when you weren’t. I know you are very capable of being told the truth, and I’m not going to insult you with anything less.
If you are under-eating — and by that I mean eating less than you truly want to, which, by the way, you can be doing even if you are eating everything on your meal plan, and if you are eating more than you were last week, and if you are eating five time more than your friends and family — then you are actively restricting. If you are activity restricting, you are not actively recovering. You can’t be restricting while recovering from a restrictive eating disorder. You can’t be participating in complusive movement while recovering from complusive movement. That’s not how this works.
Recovery means not restricting. So make a choice. If you are not in recovery, at least own it. If you want to recover, then wake the fuck up and get on with actually doing recovery. Stop restricting. Stop purging. Stop exercising. If you need more help, ask for it. Do what you need to do to stop dying.
Happy New Year.
WORD! Thank you for speaking the truth, Tabitha!
I second that! ?
P.s. Hoping that this is Karen from Slack. Wishing you the best in your recovery from Sydney. Loads of exciting things to share if you fancy a chat ?
Damn. This was very upfront. Im kinda stiff… Maybe I kinda relate to all. Wow. Thanks for this page. Just reading more about it.
I think you are dead on as someone in recovery after 34 years of eating disorder. Trying to help others who stay in complete denial or they are aware but won’t take positive action. It’s a very draining disease. A good friend died a little over a year ago from pure anorexia and I can’t sit by and watch it happen to others. I need to distance myself from those who are struggling until they want something different for their lives.
I eat unrestricted but I’m still moving out of guilt and I just want to ask what you recommend I use to move less then this when restricting, now I go for 2 hour long walks a day and a 30 minute basketball session in my backyard should I stop all exercise entirely?? Plzz help me anyone:(
I’m sorry Dariuscutro but you are still eating in a restrictive way, only being able to eat on the condition that you exercise afterwards to compensate. Your eating disorder made you move less when you ate less because you had less to compensate for. You have to learn to eat without conditions attached. You have to train your brain that it’s ok to eat an amount that your body needs without having to exercise afterwards. The only way that you do this is to carry on eating and stop all exercise. It will be difficult. Your eating disorder will be screaming at you to exercise. You have to not listen and rest. Your brain will eventually learn that all the fears and consequences of rest that your eating disorder tells you will happen are untrue and it’s perfectly safe. It’s the only way to move on.
Tabitha, your straight talking, no bullshit, wise words, have spoken directly to the strong part of me, which I didn’t think existed anymore.
You write about being honest with oneself and eating exactly what the body is asking for and to keep going until it is truly satisfied and to keep doing the same every day. This has given me the freedom to really pay attention and let myself actually enjoy food again, to allow myself old favourites and not apologise for it, but celebrate how wonderful it is. Food really is life!
Thank you for reminding me!
Naomi
Haha, thanks Tabitha, as always xxxxx
Oh, I couldn’t agree more. I am sick with the professionals pussy-footing around with my daughter. She is dying. And as you so decisively said: “It is not that she doesn’t know this shit. She’s not stupid.” So I wish she would “wake the fuck up and get on with actually doing recovery”.
BTW: I have just read “Rehabilitate, Rewire, Recover”. Brilliant advice. If only I could persuade my daughter to read it 🙁
Perhaps your daughter could start with Love Fat by Tabitha Farrar. That’s where I started.
Thank you Tabitha for your honesty.
You, are truly amazing. I wish I could transport you to the Netherlands, or talk on you behalf to educations (I have my psychology masters degree myself), to educators, to institutions, psychologist, diëtitians etc. Every new practitioner I meet I tell, I urgently request, to read your blog, book and see your posts. After a year being scared, educating myself, watching tons of videos about truly recovery (See all.in.Recovery and megsy_recovery), I just started BEFORE the new year and it’s tough, but also liberating. I watched your youtube after feeling sick after feasting, and ate some more, just to be sure.
For the first time in some years, when I discovered you, I got to understand it. I didn’t “fight”, but looked at myself. I didn’t go on the competition, but sought ways to survive the fear, to force feed. I’m just starting, but deep inside I know i’m finally commited, and not just motivated. Short term pain, for long term pain.
I, as a smart (and thereby manipulative) adult, just need your brutal honesty, but in some kind of caring way. Not fucking around with you, not fucking around with myself. True honesty, from you and definitely from me. Thank you for saving my life and not be the forever “high functioning quasi recovery kind of woman”!
Wow 100% relate to this ? thank you both X
How are you right now?
I think your words are spot on. My daughter has struggled for 5 years…Truer words have not been spoken. thank you
Thank you
Spot on! Our eating disorders will take every opportunity to restrict, so calling it out for the bullshit is appropriate. We are so much stronger than we think we are, and we don’t need to be coddled and babied every time we consume a calorie. We need to eat fully without restriction, becasue our ed will jump at the chance to restrict in any way it can get away with. Compassion is helpful, but if it is enabling us to continue down the path towards an unfulfilled life, and possibly, death. Love your work!
Thank You for writing this…I am dying and I know it. But something still holds me back from just saying fuck it, i’m eating everything and anything. I truly wish I could recover properly and not restrict, exercise, etc but something holds it back – fuck knows what and why. Whilst I don’t think I will die from this shit – I know i’m not healthy (constant chest pains proves that). Thank you though – I love reading your stuff.
This is why we love Tabitha ♥️
Wow. What the actual fuck.
I am going to be that person that never comes back to your blog again.
As an adult in recovery from my own restrictive eating disorder, I don’t think I’m getting away with shit. There is no part of me that doesn’t want to eat. I know that if I can’t beat this, I am slowly killing myself. I have sat with one of my best friends as she signed the forms to move to hospice care, to decline all further treatment because she had no quality of life left and her heart was on the verge of giving out. I listened to her as she cried, begging to be able to hold food down, wishing she was able to eat. And you’re telling me she thought she was getting away with it?
Believe me, she wished she could just wake the fuck up and get on with actually doing recovery. Every goddamn day I wish I could just wake the fuck up and get on with it. But that’s just not how this works. Have you ever felt so paralyzed that no matter how much you WANT to do something, you just can’t? Do you preach to people suffering from schizophrenia that they just need to get the fuck on with it and actually stop hearing voices? Or what about cancer or Crohn’s or really any other disease—eating disorders have been shown to have a, though not yet well understood, strong genetic and biological basis—do they too need to just wake up and get the fuck on with it?
Every single person that I know that has also struggled with a restrictive eating disorder WANTS to get better. Wishes they could just fucking eat. But it’s not that simple. My team has never let me get away with any bullshit—though in the depths of my disorder I sure have tried. I am constantly being encouraged to eat more and more, to not let myself ever get comfortable because if I’m not uncomfortable, I’m not making progress. But yet here I am. And so are many others. To suggest this is something we are doing to ourselves, that we are unaware, that we don’t want it to be different is insulting and dangerous and continues to perpetuate the outdated notion that eating disorders are all tied up in vanity and a desire to be thin and beautiful. Wake the fuck up.
Totally agree. I think its harsh and judgemental as well as over simplifying recovery.
I understand that this writer is trying to save lives and this is a very serious matter, of course but what is not considered here is that two minds exist concurrently in the same body…The unconscious mind is by far the more powerful and within it exists what I call the negative mind, that which controls the sufferer to allow this to happen. Both minds are highly intelligent, the logical conscious mind honed most often to excellence to compensate for the inability of the larger emotional mind to fight for itself..Though This writer cares immensely for the people she writes about and is right about the body dying, neither compassion alone, nor order alone will, will be adequate for those who are asked to take responsibility for themselves while they stand in quicksand being encouraged from the sidelines by their well wishers and loved ones. There is a psychological deficit in sufferers of any self harming behavior. that needs to be filled in order to relieve the manifestations telling us the tale. As much as there are really good people attending to these matters, there are also very unaware ones. Faulting a sufferer is immediately counter productive unless the plan is to motivate. My experience is that this makes the sufferer more resigned to his fate. However, if there is kind motivation with serious guidance in someone to take a modicum of responsibility until the sufferer gains enough emotional strength to take over again himself, then we are talking. I have worked in this field for 35 years. I am currently editing my second book which explains where these conditions came from and how to get rid of them permanently. My first book is THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF EATING DISORDERS that I wrote twenty two years ago. The second one is everything that I have learned from you, the sufferers since. Yes,it is the hardest work in the world, but it is curable, completely but only with dedicated positive help, depending where you stand on my wellness scale. To do this without help if you are directed by the condition’s negative dictates is extremely difficult. Do understand that this is no one’s fault, not parents, not sufferers, Do understand that impatience, derision and unkindness is futile and dangerous because it will kill hope. I have been charmed to have had the opportunity to have spent the majority of my life listening to the stories behind the mind. My second book will be called,”ROSES IN THE VINEYARD’ ‘ The Secret Language of the Negative Mind’. It will have an online course to guide people through this condition to wellness., this all within eight months. Tabitha,thank you for what you do,,,you have helped and inspired many. with your caring. It would be my pleasure to speak to you in person some day.. JULIA SMITH, you are the best, you never give up despite the pain…You,, like other sufferers whose pain is palpable to me are my heroes, my motivation to continue to learn and to help against all odds..Do not give up, do not resign the fight. Someday soon, you will come to understand yourself….You are all winners. So much love..Peggy Claude-Pierre
Dear Peggy Claude-Pierre,
While it all sounds a bit freudian to me, I can definitely relate to what you say about the “two minds”- aka healthy me vs anorexia, and the idea of an emotional brain aka instinct sending messages to my consciousness.
However your sentence about the conscious mind being designed to make up for the fact that the emotional brain cannot take action- at least, I think that’s what you mean, do correct me if I’m wrong.- seems to suggest that our conscious mind is out of our control, in which case, free will itself is an illusion. You mention later on that eating disorder patients must “take responsibility for themselves” suggesting you think their conscious brains can override their EDs anyway, so the emotional brain as you call it doesn’t actually control people, it just makes suggestions. Basically I’m not sure what you’re getting at there, but obviously it’s tough to summarise a book in a sentence.
I don’t know about free will, but I do know anyone who recovers from anorexia uses their conscious brain/ common sense to override their emotional brain/eating disorder crap every day. That’s what recovery is.
You’re right to point out that people need varying degrees of support (compassion alone?order alone?) and that they need to take responsibility. But you then say “faulting the sufferer is immediately counterproductive unless the plan is to motivate”. What else do you think Tabitha Farrar has in mind? A coop funeral care sponsorship deal?
You go on to suggest “kind motivation with serious guidance”, emphasising the need to “understand that impatience, derision and unkindness is futile, as it will kill hope.” I’m kind of insulted on behalf of Tabitha Farrar. She’s published three books, endless blogs, three years worth of of podcasts, endless YouTube videos etc under trying WiFi circumstances, and attended goodness knows how many conferences and acted as a coach to goodness knows how many people. That’s hardly impatient. She is exactly the “dedicated positive help” you describe, even without her own wellness scale.
There is no “derision” in this blog post, only honesty, and no “unkindness”, only tough love. She knows we are not “little fragile flowers”; she frequently includes herself in the “we bullshit ourselves” statements; and she’s telling us exactly what to do in order to recover. She could hardly be more kind: maybe send out free cookies with every blog post.
There is so much hope in her vision of recovery: it may be bloody hard, but it’s simple. Rest, eat, repeat. And “migration theory” is a lot easier to get my head around than your emotional brain stuff, which I suspect I’d need three PHDs to fully understand, though I look forward to trying with your book.
In short, in your description of “very unaware” people that do not understand, I hope you’re not referring to Tabitha Farrar. That would be pretty insulting given that she lived with it for ten years. From your later praise I assume you’re not, although it certainly reads like it earlier on. You only need look above, and at her subscriber numbers, to see how many people find her work helpful.
The “psychological deficit” you describe puzzles me too. Sure, lots of people with anorexia have had trauma or struggled with resilience, but people like Tabitha Farrar were completely fine before they went into energy deficit and triggered a genetic response. Please do explain this deficit though: if I have it, I should like it filled as soon as possible.
I look forward to reading about the “secret language” spoken by those with eating disorders. We all have the same thoughts overall, much as most flu sufferers will cough and sneeze, but I always thought the language only ever came down to 4 words really: do more, eat less.
I very much hope you’ve discovered an online path to ”wellness” in eight months. I hope too it won’t cost a lot. If it doesn’t, you may rely on me as a client.
Lastly, I confess I sniggered a bit at your “roses in a vineyard” title. It reminded me a bit of the sex romps at the back of the library to be honest with you, but I’m assuming it’s a somewhat different metaphor?
Thanks,
Lizzie
PS If we’re all advertising here, I’m @fucktheweightriachy on Instagram 😉 completely understand if gets deleted by moderator though: don’t want bollocks treatment services piling on.
I have to say i don’t see how telling someone to “get the fuck on with it” is empathetic or motivational. It is blaming the sufferer for not trying hard enough. I am sick to death of people implying recovery is possible for everyone if they want it badly enough… what does that say about the rest of us? We don’t want it badly enough? My response to “get the fuck on with it” is to say “fuck off you have no idea what my life is life and you know nothing about my circumstances.” “Get the fuck on with it” is about as motivating as “Just eat”. Oh boy i am sure glad you turned up, thank you i am now cured.
No it isn’t fucking easy but you do it or you don’t. You face your fears and you eat and gain as MUCH weight as your body wants without interfering, or you don’t. But don’t come here saying HOW HARD IT IS because I recovered as well and it was bloody hard for me as well. It’s bloody hard for everyone but that doesn’t mean it’s not f*cking possible. And schizophrenia is NOT something that people choose. But people DO f*cking choose to restrict every single day. They DO have a choice.
Child with selective mutism? Get the fuck on with talking! Friend with psychogenic paralysis? Get the fuck on with moving! lol
Very different! Eating disorders are curable illnesses!
Ok, so then all sufferers of binge eating disorder need to do to get better is just stop fucking eating so much. Can you imagine the uproar if that’s how this was written? Oh, you binge to the point that you have severe obesity related diseases—just wake the fuck up and eat less. No, you’d be dragged over the coals for being fatphobic.
If “all” one person needs to do is work hard and cut it with their bullshit and eat, that’s great. I’m not saying you didn’t work hard to get to where you are in recovery. But that’s not the case for everyone. Some people refeed once, weight restore once, and return to a relatively normal life. Other people live with chronic disease or relapse multiple times. Don’t tell me those people aren’t trying—that’s how people stay sick, that’s how people die, that’s why the general public (and it sounds like even you) assume that anorexia is a choice. Maybe it was in your case, maybe you did wake up and say “nope, I’m going to starve myself today” but that’s not the case for many. I am personally insulted by the implication that you made that I’m just choosing not to eat everyday. No, I’m choosing to face my fears everyday, I have paid (mostly out of pocket and NOT with my family’s assistance at all) for 4 years of ongoing treatment—from IP to outpatient and back and forth—and everyday is still a challenge. Sometimes it is about recognizing the small wins because progress is progress—but don’t get complacent. if this was just a choice, believe me, I would have picked just eating the fucking food 4 years ago. It would have saved me a whole lot of time and money if nothing else.
Your experience isn’t everyone’s experience. Neither is mine. Please stop generalizing.
I’ve been in treatment over 18 times, struggled for 34 years, had all the tools and therapy necessary for a successful recovery yet I continued to fight the system until one day, I made a decision to stop the nonsense that was/had ruined my life and those around me. It took, after all those years, one decision and I’ve never looked back. I was labeled chronic, not allowed back at several treatment centers, yet I did it. It’s a decision. It’s not cancer. It’s the most treatable and curable mental illness if you decide to fight for your life or it’s the deadliest if you choose not to. You decide!
I agree with X: you’ve got to read this blog as part of a broader context of videos, podcasts and books showing total empathy, because the writer has lived with it herself. And yes, it took her a while to recover, and her recovery journey was “non-linear” to say the least, but guess what: she’d’ve recovered a lot faster if she took her own advice today.
She’s not saying “just eat”: she’s saying eat everything you want or might secretly want and then some; rest as much as you can; do not engage in any disordered behaviours (purging, not bingeing, bingeing in anorexia recovery is a life-saving mechanism). She’s giving simple and explicit instructions, including in her book a series of relaxation/mindfulness techniques to help you deal with your brain’s shit. The crucial difference with her approach and “just eat”- which I have heard so many times from so many different people, including professionals- is that she acknowledges exactly how shitty it is. She tells you exactly what lies your ED is telling you, and how you can combat them. Every single day (broadband/puppies permitting) on YouTube.
You cannot tell someone with schizophrenia to stop hearing voices any more than you can tell someone with anorexia to not have anorexia, but you can tell both sufferers to take the damn medicine if they want to recover. Also, with eating disorders, you can fully recover. The neurology is flexible.
She never writes in her blog post “you obviously don’t want it enough”, she just mentions that your actions may not be fully aligned with your wishes, and if so, you need to change them.
A PHD educated adult: I am so sorry to hear about your friend. And I have absolutely no doubt how much she wanted recovery, and I’m sure Tabitha Farrar doesn’t either. But I also have no doubt that your friend didn’t enter hospice care overnight. They will have tried their damndest for as long as they had the illness- evidently a very long time. And, although I obviously do not know their circumstances, I reckon that in that time, they probably stuck to their meal plan like glue because they were told to. They probably celebrated a slice of pizza because they were never told to have 12. They probably weren’t told how to fully rewire their fear of weight gain; weren’t told to eat absolutely without restriction. And in earlier times, had they been told all this, they probably could’ve done it. So many of us do, as you can see above.
Tabitha Farrar’s blog is aimed at people in active recovery aka people who are able to take steps. And it’s a much needed perspective. Day after day I see Instagram posts saying “recovery isn’t linear”, “to the person struggling to have breakfast, I see you.”; “I had 3 crackers and a salad for lunch today because that’s all I could manage”. All of which may be absolutely true, but sets the bar so low, and leads to people thinking that if they’re doing too well, recovering too simply, eating more food for their lunch, then they must be doing something wrong, or that their eating disorder never really existed. You’ve got to set the bar high. I have never read a blogpost from Ms Farrar saying “that thing you didn’t eat yesterday? Beat yourself up for it.” It’s always “that thing you didn’t eat yesterday? Eat it today.” Move on. Recover quickly, and don’t waste your life anymore.
Lastly, I’m also a strong believer in we’re all the damn same. Anorexia is the same illness in everyone. And yes, circumstances absolutely change how we must go about recovery. But we still have to do it, and the fundamentals of eat and rest will always be the same. I know your eating disorder hates this. So does mine. And I fully understand how you might read “just eat. You’re not trying” between the lines. My brain would’ve less then a year ago. But maybe just try to read “I give you full permission to recover quickly. You are absolutely tough enough, brave enough, smart enough, and I’m so sick of people saying you aren’t. And I know exactly what you’re doing, because I did it myself, and it was a very, very dangerous waste of time. So hand your emotions and your fear response over to your healthy brain, and recover. Fully.
I totally agree with you!
Change your thinking. You can recover
Wow… really, shit why didn’t i think of that. Thanks for commenting, i am now cured. If only it were that easy and simple.
Are you aware that the writer of this post had very severe Anorexia for more than 10 years? Or did you just stumble across this post without any background?
Are you aware that the writer of this post, Tabitha Farrar, has had very severe Anorexia for more than 10 years and fully recovered from it?
Spot on
I think you are wrong! Your friend had other options, I’m sorry she passed. You can wake up and eat!!! It is not cancer or some incurable disease. Eating disorders are treatable and curable!!! I struggled so long, near death more times than I can count and made the fucking decision to get better. To eat!! To not purge, exercise, weigh myself, etc.. it’s honestly not that difficult If you truly want to change! No one is holding the food away from your mouth. Wake up and decide you are sick of the disease.
If this struck a nerve, maybe consider that you’re 1) falling outside of the norm (so many people don’t want to get better. I’ve met plenty myself who’ve been in that headspace) of what’s typical for a restrictive ED or 2) You’re in denial.
Obviously there’s more to recovery and having an ED than simply “wanting” to get better or decisions to get away with deadly behavior, but to liken it to drug addiction (also has a strong genetic/bio connection) there’s a point at which you choose to do everything possible to get better, or you don’t. Not 100% of people are going to be able to find the help they need, or find it in time to get better. EDs can take over a decade to recover from, however there’s nothing saying that your ED or anyone else’s is so intractable that it’s somehow dangerous to say that ppl need to at some point CHOOSE to recover….We are ultimately self directed beings with free will. Mental illness or not, we have the will to ask for help to change if we’re not able to do it alone. I’m pretty sure it’s common as well for it to be part of the disorder to functionally change your brain’s dopamine pathways to make you feel incapable of change, but neuroplasticity shows us that we’re not stagnant.
testing
I think this is really harsh. Its not as simple as “wake the fuck up and get on with recovery”. If it was as simple as waking up and getting on with it then no one would exist with severe enduring ED or have chronic illness. I think its very judgemental to imply recovery is easily achievable IF you want it badly enough.
110% agree. Sure, there is a subset of people that recover relatively quickly with adequate weight restoration. But there is also a subset of people that once ill, go on to develop a severe and enduring eating disorder. And then there are many more that fall somewhere in between.
The idea that recovery is easy to achieve (as if it’s like *poof* eating disorder is gone, I love my body, I love donuts, I do not care even if I gain 100lbs*) if you just want it badly enough and try real hard is so harmful to so many sufferers, their supporters, and even providers.
No one, let alone Tabitha, ever said it’s easy and “you just have to want it”. It’s not easy. It’s really fucking hard as fuck.
But the harsh truth is, you have to do it anyways. Even if you don’t want to. Even if it makes you feel like utter crap. Even if you’d rather jump into a pool of snakes than eat more and stop exercising. You still need to eat more and stop exercising, otherwise you will never recover. You may not want to hear it, but it’s just simple as that.
And if you’d rather stay in your comfy zone than do that, it’s okay – we’re only humans. But you also have to be aware that you will never recover that way. Recovery is about doing the very thing we don’t want to do. If you did want to do it you wouldn’t have an ED in the first place. Again – just the plain harsh reality.
It is!! It’s not cancer!! It’s a decision. I won the battle because I chose to!
Thank you, Tabitha
This post may seem harsh but it’s reality and eating disorders are harsh..After over ten years of having my eating disorder really kicking off or always lurking in the background I’m understanding the only person who can truly get myself properly recovered is me. I’m the only one who knows we’re I’m still restricting and people can support me with making changes but I need to want a bigger life outside quasi recovery.
Thanks for this ❤️
Nasty and unnecessary. While you may get through to a small proportion of people, if you had an eating disorder then you know that no 2 people are the same.
Damaging and disappointing, you’re right, I wont read your shit blog again
My therapist was one of those people who always told me how wonderful it was if I just ate one bit of an Apple more. However, this was not good for me, this made everything worse. I felt even more guilty, I felt so much guild for the hunger I felt. But I was lucky, I found your blog and your YouTube channel. Today I am fully recovered and I enjoy my life. Thanks to your wonderful work which is available for free in the internet this will be a happy new year for me
Soooo tired of people saying that you can’t say things like this because it’s ‘too harsh’ and all of that bullsh*t. I recovered FULLY – THANKS TO YOU TABITHA – and it wasn’t bloody easy for me either.
I’ll take a wake the fuck up from you Tabitha, I’ll take you screaming it in my face, I’ve come here because I’m falling off a cliff with anorexia again and I need it made plain and simple because my head just can’t deal with complicated crap just now. I’m practically jumping off the cliff with it. Yes I’m getting away with a whole ton of anorexic shit but because I’m still alive (which is the new baseline that everyone around me uses) they just say keep doing what you are doing because you are still alive so you must be doing something right… not being dead is a pretty low baseline. And keeping doing what I’m doing is exhausting and makes me question every day whether I can truly get to the end of it again and then do it the next and the next and the next. Run restrict purge harm repeat while pretending everything is just perfect. Yes it’s dying.
Anon, my heart goes out to you. I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much for speaking the TRUTH!!! The ED part of us doesn’t want to hear it but the real part of me is cheering. I need to read this every single day, every single hour sometimes. It’s living or dying, there is no in the middle with an ED. Sounds harsh but far less than giving up your life for this stupid disorder!
Hmmmm I don’t think it’s this easy. And not sure the judgement is fair. I usually like your posts. This one seems to blame and judge. Not for me.
Well, I am definitely joining the GO TABITHA team, this is what I needed to hear in recovery.
This is harsh and brutal, but it is honest. The only way to recovery is by eating enough to gain weight. It is very hard. After nearly 40 years of Anorexia, I need to hear and read this every day! Thank you,Tabitha.
I saved this post as:
I wish more people would speak out like you. A lot of what we see online is sugar coated – to the point where recovery seems like a walk in the park to some people. And that even being back in ED behaviors isn’t that bad – but you cut straight to it. It’s not easy, but we need to be honest with ourselves when attempting recovery.
If it’s a choice between being babied and having a drill sergeant, I’ll take the former. I left an IOP because the dietician was like that. Being babied, at least I ate.
If I remember tabitha’s book Love Fat correctly it took years for her to recover. It seemed to go in phases for her with fat being one of the last things to tackle along with movement. Been a while since I read it but I don’t remember it being an all in sort of thing.
BEST. BLOG. EVER! I think I’m going to print this and make a placemat of it. Of course I (read: the eating disorder) thinks this is hard, feels hurt and prefers the soft approach. But maybe that’s the point. That’s what my eating disorder likes. Maybe it’s okay to let this blog hurt the eating disorder. It doesn’t hurt the real me who secretly knows that that slice of cake fitted into my disordered eating routine.The real me gets hurt by the eating disorder. Not by someone telling the ugly truth.
This hit me like a slap in the face-of the best kind. In recovery I often find myself, after eating ‘more than i think i should’ or a tiddly amount of a fear food wanting to take a step back and ‘take a breather’ from the whole thing. But your post, Tabitha, was something i feel a lot of us both need to hear and desperately want to hear-you can’t half-ass recovery. And once you’ve started, if you want to keep going all in all the time-fuck yes. Because you have to! I don’t think you should feel guilty or despair at restriction while apparently ‘in recovery’ but everytime you catch it, do a 180 and kick the ED right where it hurts even harder. Use every challenge as a starting point, again and again. One spoon of peanut butter? Thats the minimum. Ordered a milkshake? Great. Now get another in the other flavour you wanted. Or a fries and burger meal. Make yourself scared – because the ED is scared of living. Tell yourself the more you push it, the further you can go until you are living without limits. Love and strength to everyone having a fucking hard time-but its worth it for the triumphs and tastes of true recovery
It is as simple and as complicated as that. No amount of personal angst, raging or self pity changes the facts . It is what it is. Not wanting it to be true, seeking another less difficult way out ?. It aint gonna happen…and blaming someone for being harsh wont help you recover.
Oh wow, thanks for that, so now we have all been enlightened. Those of us with SEED and chronic long term anorexia are just too full of self pity and don’t want to recover enough. For the record i have never in my life blamed someone else for me having anorexia, nor have i ever wallowed in self pity. I have fought like a warrior and gone through a lot of hell, in order to actually still be here today. To say people are indulging in self pity is VERY judgemental. You don’t know anyone else’s background, past, history or personal circumstances. So maybe you should without judgement. Get the fuck on with it, could be said to a lot of people… and how much simpler life would be if it were that easy.
Don’t write yourself off as SEED. You don’t need to want to recover to recover. You just have to act like you want to recover. Play the game, and your brain will change. It will get easier.
You miss my point …I am not being judgmental , I am being honest ..of course there is self pity , I pity myself for having an ED, thats ok but it doesn’t help me not to have an ED , which was my point . If there is a tunnel and the only way out is straight ahead and toward the light ..then I appreciate there are all sorts of reasons for feeling unable to just walk through that tunnel , from feeling you cant, to feeling you really want to but are stuck, to feeling bloody incapable of it ,,,but my point is whatever the reasons that you feel you cant (or maybe actually cant ) it doesnt lessen the fact that that is the way out …wanting it to not be true will not make it so .if the answer to getting out of the tunnel is to walk that way then just saying its not that easy will leave you standing in the tunnel for years . its like we just discuss the problem when we should be looking at, and acting upon the solution.
And actually, for the record in case anyone had failed to notice, we are all dying anyway!
You are plain stupid!
What you think you are going to have eternal life then do you?
A few things stand out to me as I read the blog and the comments. Having had anorexia for 31 years, I have had years of therapy utilizing pretty much all the modalities available with many, many hospital, inpatient, residential and outpatient stays. I have zero trauma history and a wonderful upbringing. The ONLY thing that has helped me at all in actually being able to say “I am in recovery” has been to understand the concept of energy deficit and how it contributes to my ED thoughts and behaviors, and then challenging my fear foods, rules and behaviors. It is only by freeing up my mind from all of that that I have been able to focus on things like living according to what I value and learning to change how I think about food, weight and my body.
One thing that is important to note about how Tabitha approaches this (besides the fact that she has lived experience) is that she is action focused. Meaning it isn’t enough to say you want to get better, you actually have to take active steps to make it happen. For some, that step may be getting themselves into a hospital/facility for stronger supports and/or medical stabilization. For some, that might mean reaching out to family and friends for help as you challenge the disorder. For some, they have neither but commit to working towards recovery on their own. Everyone of us is unique as are our needs and situations. The difference is taking active steps toward recovery now rather than hoping to one day be motivated to recover.
Wow that was very straightforward. But in a good way. It hurt, but if it hurt I guess that’s because I can relate a little bit too much…
In any case, thank you
I’m a 17, almost 18 year old right now. I’ve read this post. I’ve read it over and over again. Right now, I’m suspended in a sort of half recovery. Still restricting. Still fighting the system. Not being truthful with a psychiatrist or my parents or anyone really. I’m not underweight either. I was underweight when I was first anorexic at age 12 but now, I tell myself that “I’m not that bad”. I’ve got weight on me… and I don’t eat “anorexic” portions. So I’m fine. Nothing will happen…
But I know that things will happen. In time I will be underweight. In time I will be very sick. Then what? I know I’ll make a bullshit excuse about why I can’t go back into recovery. Thinking that I’m too far gone. Too sick. Too unstable. Too this. Too that. I eat too much to be anorexic. I don’t exercise enough to be considered anorexic. But really… I don’t know. Maybe someone needs to put a food diary in my face. Log everything that I eat/don’t eat. Shove it in my face and ask me “If your friend was eating like this, do you think this is enough?” I don’t know. Maybe someone needs to catch me in the act. Or maybe I need to hit rock bottom. But this article… it hit close to home. I’m kidding myself if I think I’m ok.
Did I write this? My 18th birthday is in a few days. I’m in that half-recovery place, which really is just still not in recovery. I’m making all the same excuses.
Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I hope you’re doing better.
To be honest I really disagree with this post. I’m one year into full recovery I have completely moved on from my Ed. I eat intuitively and have freedom with my diet and body. The thing I disagree with most is sometimes people aren’t able to finish their sandwich at lunch and recovery is a slow process. No one will ever recover if someone is being so hard on them about eating a sandwich. Finishing lunch or eating a slice of pizza might be major accomplishments and it’s the small things that lead to the end goal. I think that in my personal recovery as soon as I stopped putting myself down for not finishing something or being to scared to try a new food I accepted where I was and took my recovery in my own pace. And from then on I recovered much quicker and on my own terms. That being said I know that denial plays a big role in Ed’s but in my opinion being really harsh with someone in denial doesn’t really work. I also don’t mean there shouldn’t be any boundaries with health care professionals there definitely should be, but compassion and understanding are also important too.
I agree with you on this one. Like, all the comments going on about how she recovered from her ED after a decade – awesome, great for /her/.
However, declaring that the gentler approach won’t work for anyone and having to be, frankly, shaming and rude is the way to go isn’t it. When I read this, especially the “good, eat another sandwich” part, I was immediately thrown back to my mother telling me to finish my plate even if I was full well before I developed an ED – in fact, it was part of what laid the groundwork for it. What I needed, what actually helped me, was those people who “coddled” me and told me that I could finish my meal later if I was full, that I didn’t have to finish my plate, that I could just do what I could. I have a significantly healthier relationship with food now because my ability to eat or finish a plate or not finish a plate wasn’t associated with “success” or “failure” – it’s just food.
I also have a hard time believing that she’s actually seen treatment programs because every ED patient I’ve met has certainly not indicated that they get congratulated for every single thing – some take very harsh approaches and the patients go on to “fake” recovery just to get out sooner and leave with worse symptoms because of the harsh treatment. For many, the way to recovery was harm reduction first – not “bullshit” like Tabitha so crassly calls it.
Yes, recovery is hard but it’s doable. For some people, it’ll take longer than others because we all have difference experiences. No single person with an ED is the same. People with EDs are more nuanced than naughty children who won’t eat their vegetables and pointlessly aggressive approaches may help a subsection of people but purporting to help everyone this was is irresponsible because, as we can see there are parents in these comments who think that clearly this is what their daughters need and that really may not be the case.
The only helpful people here were Peggy Claude Pierre and Julia smith