With my anorexia I displayed all the behaviors of emotional overeating. When I did eat, it was uncontrollable. I would literally lose the ability to stop putting food in my mouth despite my stomach aching with the volume of the food that I had already consumed. I would stop only at the point of vomiting.
Overeating is a symptom, it is functional to a point. Understanding overeating and why one does so is the path to overcoming. It is something that can happen independently of any other eating disorder and is an eating disorder in its own right.
Here is an excerpt from Anorexia Speaks, Chapter 5- the food chapter.
……….This Teacake tonight however I am excited to devour.
When it’s unwrapped, I always eat this little mound of happiness slowly and in the same order. I pick off the thin chocolate shell first with my teeth. Another game, to see how much of the chocolaty exterior I can remove intact. It is rather like peeling a hard-boiled egg. The chocolate layer is so thin that it turns to chocolate sauce as it hits the warmth of my saliva. I enjoy that sensation, the solid yet soft chocolate turning into a warm and sticky mess between my tongue and the roof of my mouth. Underneath the shell lies the soft and shiny white marshmallow dome. I wonder how the shape is kept, as there is no sticky surface to break though when I bite into it. I feel nothing between my teeth but the sweetness flushes my mouth as my lips close around the mallow. It also has a heavenly melt-in-the-mouth quality. Often I find a small white patch of mallow on the tip of my nose from where I have bitten into this soft joy. Lastly, I eat the soft chocolate-covered biscuit base. The sides bear the remains of the chocolate coating and the top is bare other than the straggling remnants of the mallow. I use my teeth to remove the remaining chocolate and my tongue to clean the white mallow off the surface before biting into the sweet biscuit.
The relationship that I hold with this teacake, is the most intimate one that I have.
I treat it with more care and softness than any person or living thing in my life. It feels good to be able to do that.
And then once it is gone, the emptiness and my desire to eat another reminds me of the dependency that I fear. Pleasure is addictive, seductive and pleasure has made me vulnerable.
I feel sick at myself for having allowed such mindless indulgence, for having needed it. I will not eat another one of those.
But I still need more. ……………..
The key features of binge eating disorder are:
- Frequent episodes of uncontrollable binge eating.
- Feeling extremely distressed or upset during or after bingeing.
- Unlike bulimia, there are no premeditated attempts to “make up” for the binges through vomiting, fasting, or over-exercising, however guilt post binge may result in this.
Other frequent qualities:
- Eating in solitude due to embarrassment over lack of control or the type of food that one eats.
- Starving oneself at other times to prepare for a binge.
- Eating until the point of physical discomfort
- Eating when not hungry
If you would like to hear more about this type of eating disorder please see the services page.